It’s time to get smashed! Yay!!! NOT!

Feb 3 – 

Mammy day

I go into to get my girls checked.   This is all routine for me, so I’m not nervous at all.   I get called to the back, I change, and I’m off to get squeezed.  I’m not looking forward to this at all, cuz it hurts already to get squeezed, but this time I have pain, so this is gonna hurt like hell!

My technician comes in, she seems nice.  She gets me ready, she puts a sticker on my painful area just so she can target that area more to see what’s going on.

Smashing time – yuck.  She gets me in the machine, does my left side first.  Eh, it hurt, but it wasn’t so bad.  All done.   Oh gosh, time for the right side.  I’m really dreading this.  I go on to tell her how painful the area already is and that this is gonna hurt.   She tells me, “she understands, she gets her boobs smashed all the time like every other female”.  For some reason, I don’t like how she told me that and that just bugged the living shit out of me.  

We do the same thing on my right side and get to squeezing.   Holy effing balls!!  ( excuse the language ).  It hurt to high heaven!   It hurt so bad that I jolted back a bit, causing breast tissue to come out of the machine and the sticker falling off, this bugged her to no end.   And with that, we had to do it again.   Now, we can’t get the sticker back in the right place.  And I just hurt!   She starts squeezing again.  Eff me.    This time, I could’t take it, she squeezed and the tears just rolled down my face.   “Hold your breath, don’t breathe”  ( machine takes picture, releases )  “okay, you can breathe now, are you okay?”   Me – with tears strolling down my face and a low voice,  😢  ” yes, I’m okay.”  trying to catch my breath.  I’m not really okay.  I hurt really, really bad and I kept telling her this.  But that didn’t seem to matter to her.  She was doing her job.  You see, there are people that do their job and their are people who do their job with love, compassion and kindness and she wasn’t any of those.  She was just doing her job.   Now to do a different angle.   Oh gosh, we’re not done?  Same outcome and lots of pain and a technician who had no heart.  

I was sent out to the waiting room while they looked over my films.  Throbbing pain.   I really disliked her and her comments on how ‘every female had to go through this’.  Well, no shit!!   I felt like telling her,  “bet you’ve never had your girls smashed with a painful ass lump??”  😠  I don’t like to be negative, but honestly, she was awful.  Very careless.  No concern for her patient.

Now they wanna do an ultrasound.  They need better imaging of what they found on the films.   So, I get sent in to do that.   The ultrasound tech was full of understanding after I told her how much pain I was in from the mammy.   And that this was gonna be painful cuz the area was already aggravated.  She really took this into consideration.  So, as she was performing the ultrasound, she did try to be gentle but still getting the job done, yes, there were times she had to press firmly but at least she would warm me.   After a few moments, my eyes caught sight of the monitor and all I could see was this black blob.  That’s all it was, a ‘blob’.   She concentrated on that area and took many images.    As she studied what I was looking at, I noticed that there were no smooth edges.  It was out of proportion to a cyst, which I’ve come to see quite often with my history.   It had rough edges. This bothered me very much.  She went on to scan under my armpit cuz we have lymph nodes there that feed off of the breast.    She didn’t say a word, she was keenly focused on what she was doing.  After many images, she was done.   She cleaned me off and allowed me to get dressed while she went to get the doctor.  I asked her how it looked, but I knew better.   Per their strict policies, they are not allowed to discuss what they see or find.  But her face said a lot.  

A few moments later, she returned with the doctor.  The doctor went on to say that the area in question was concerning and that it needed further follow up.    A biopsy.  *gulp*  a biopsy??  If you’re anything like me, the mere mention of a biopsy could only mean cancer.   My mind started spinning and panic came on.  I went on to plead my case, saying that I get fibroid cysts all the time and that this could just be another one.  She answered with, ” it doesn’t have the characteristics of a cyst, which are ‘smooth round edges'”.   She went on to say exactly what I had seen,  “it has rough edges,  But it’s better to be sure”.  She didn’t think it was anything to worry about and it was probably nothing, but best to do a biopsy cuz she’s a doctor who looks for cancer and wants to rule that out.  

I agreed and the technician already had my appointment set up for the following week for a biopsy of my right breast.  Now I was getting worried.  Something in the pit of my stomach wasn’t easing my worried thoughts.  I need a biopsy??  On my breast??  What?? I’ve never had one of those.  

My nerves are very unsettled





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