Nov, 14 –
Graduation day! Last radiation treatment 🙂
I started the day with a zillion thoughts buzzing around in my mind. Today is my last treatment. Today is the last day of my journey. In the beginning, I thought this day would never come. Here it is. While I was going through everything, the days just drug on by. Looking back, honestly, it flew. We are in November. Soon it’ll be Thanksgiving. My mind and my soul have been reeling since Valentine’s. I just need rest. I need mental and emotional rest. My soul needs peace. The anticipation of what the day will bring has me on edge. I am relieved, that when I walk out of there, I AM DONE. But I have mixed emotions. Naturally, I have anxiety but I’ve had that for weeks now. I feel anxious, happy, sad, I feel trepidation. My feelings are all over the place. My mental pain is still lingering and I just wanna be done. I hope today is a good day.
This song has been playing in my mind. A lot of it, is me and how I’ve been feeling lately. Empty and misunderstood, although, I am grateful. I just want today to be a good day.
🎶 LORD, I HOPE THIS DAY IS GOOD🎵
🎼🎶Lord, I hope this day is good. I’m feeling empty and misunderstood. I should be thankful, Lord I know I should but Lord, I hope this day is good.
Lord, have you forgotten me? I’ve been praying to you faithfully. I’m not saying I’m a righteous man but Lord, I hope you understand.
I don’t need fortune and I don’t need fame. Send down the thunder Lord send down the rain. But when your planning just how it will be, plan a good day for me.
Lord, I hope this day is good. I’m feeling empty and misunderstood. I should be thankful, Lord I know I should, but Lord, I hope this day is good.
You’ve been the King since the dawn of time. All that I’m asking is a little less cryin. It might be hard for the devil to do but it would be easy for you. 🎵🎶
Lord, please just give me a good day.
Clara Sue came and picked me up. I asked her to come with me today, since it’s my last time. I wanted her to be there. Here we go.
When we got there, all the receptionists and nurses were excited for me. “yay, last day!!”
Sitting in the waiting area, I became friends with another patient receiving radiation. She was older, maybe in her 70’s, great spirit. We were always there at the same time and we’d sit and wait together til it was our turn. She was happy for me. We talked about life after radiation. I was getting more and more anxious. I get called back. Eeek , It’s time.
This is the last time I’ll have to get in this thing.
You can see the lazers as they line me up. I’ve had great doctors. That’s so important in a journey like this one. You see them everyday, so they become a part of your routine.
One of my wrists’ is in a brace. They hurt so bad. My whole body hurts with pain. I hope all of this goes away once I’m done. I miss the ‘me’ that felt good. The one that was happy all the time and never complained about pain. I’ve missed her a lot. I hope she comes back and that she’s not gone forever. Cuz, I’m not sure I can handle this new normal that has become my life. I hate it. I just don’t feel good, inside or out. And I feel it from head to toe.
A few minutes later. All done. yes!! We walk out to the hallway. It’s time to ring my last bell. Treatment is all over. I made it. I can feel a ball in my throat. I’m getting choked up. I started to get emotional as I went to go change. Jill was still waiting, the other patient I bacame friends with. We hugged and wished each other well. I started to cry. Something that didn’t happen the last time.
It’s time. My doctors are with me. I’m ready. *ringing the bell* last teatment. I did so much better this time.
Like the doctor said, “keep moving forward, no looking in the rearview mirror” Nope, not a chance, no looking back. Time to go forward. This journey took 9 months and 1 day. I could’ve had a baby in the time. I would have much rather of had a baby. This was rough and it still is. There went my whole year and I thought 2017 was gonna be a good one. It was my worst.
Let’s go. I’m ready to leave. But first, there is something that I need to do. I asked Clara Sue if she would come with me to the infusion center on the other side from where we were. I need to do something and I want her to be there. As we walked in, I met up with my oncology nurses that I had during chemo. Yay, celebration talks and congratulations. I found Sara. Sara was my main oncology nurse. We ended up connecting so well during my infusions. My very first day of chemo, I was frightened, anxious, nervous. The unknown is very scary. She had something for me. A necklace, from a survivor. She was instructed to give it the next one who came in for treatment for breast cancer. It was me. She gave it to me. Along with hope to never give up. That stayed with me throughout my journey. A little hope can go a long way. I wanted to do just the same. We need to build each other up and become each others strength. Whether we know one another or not. I never knew this lady, didn’t even know her name. but it touched me. I want to continue that. I am passing hope and strength forward. To give the next one who comes in, the encouragement she needs to put up a good fight. This is my gift to her.
“Fight hard and don’t ever give up”
Together ‘WE’ can make a difference.
As we walked out, my emotions were bubbling to the surface. It felt that at any moment they were about to explode. I didn’t feel this when I finished chemo. Honestly, I felt nothing. I felt numb, turned off. Robotic, almost. Just going through the motions. This time was different. This time it needed to come out. That wall of built up feelings started to crumble and it wasn’t long til it came crashing down. That dam broke. All those feelings from the past 10 months came bursting out. This is the release that I had been needing for soo long. I bawled my heart out. The floodgates opened up and out came all my fears, my anguish, the hurt, the pain. I finally let it all out. I finally allowed myself to cry and to feel everything. I cried the rest of the afternoon. It was nonstop. So much needed to be released. I had to let it go. I had to get it out of my system. It was just there, festering, making me miserable, making my chest feel so heavy, so heavy that it felt like I couldn’t breathe. Guess what, I was able to breathe, I was finally able to take in that deep breathe and let it back out. Oh how I needed to let go of the fear and the anguish. All this time I wasn’t able to get that release. Today, I finally got it. I finally let all those feelings that I’ve been pushing down, out. I acknowledge it all. I faced it. I finally let it go. I felt so much better, on the inside. My soul felt relieved.
By the end of the day, I was emotionally exhausted. But now, I can finally say, ” I am officially free and clear” Oh my goodness!! Free and clear. What wonderful words.
I am mentally and emotionally worn out. Exhausted. But my soul feels relief. I can move on now. I can gather the scattered leaves of my life and try to put them back together. I hope I can. I hope that now, my mind and my soul will be released from that prison they’ve been entangled in.
Lord, thank you for giving me a good day. That’s all I asked for.
Tomorrow, I start picking up the pieces