Starting Over

I have been absent for a very long time.   But I am still here and I am still continuing my story

Dec 10, 2017 – 

Well, today is the day.  I go back to work.  I’m excited but also a bit hesitant at the same time.  All I know, is that I’m ready.   I feel like I’ve had plenty of time off to work on ‘me’.   I’ve been out of work since Aug. 4th and it’s time.  I don’t feel 100% but I can say,  I am on the mend.   Can’t wait to see my people.  I’ve missed them.   I’m ready for this new day.  Ready for this new start. 

Here we goooooo!!!

And fierce I was.  It felt soo good to be back at work.   Gosh, I missed all my people.  I missed my work family.    I needed to go back.   I needed all of them.   I needed my normal routine back.  I needed to feel like ‘me’.  It did me good.  I was happy and all smiles.   

All of my co-workers were respectful of my wish to keep things private.   Yes, I still want my privacy.   No,  I don’t feel like getting into details with anyone about why I was gone.  I just don’t want to.   I don’t wanna talk about it.   I would rather write down all my feelings, details and my journey and share them here, with all of you.   I go to work, to work. 

Everyone was welcoming and happy to see me.   I went in sporting my new hairdo and I rocked it.  My day went well.  There were a few customers that just HAD TO KNOW where I had been and why the drastic new look with my hair.  I’m sorry, but I don’t owe anyone an explanation.   You know,  there are people that support you no matter what.  Because they love you and want the best for you.  And then there are the people that can only support you if they know all the details.  They have to be in the ‘know’.   That’s not how I roll.  I don’t need those kind of people in my life.  In my opinion, I told my small circle.  The important ones.  And that’s all I needed.  I didn’t need to tell the world.   I will only share my story if I want to.  Yes, I’m stubborn, in case you haven’t caught on by now 😜 

I loved it that I got to see all my people.  That’s what I call them, ‘my people’,  ‘My Sunday peeps’!  Ted had let everyone know that today was going to be my 1st day back and to my surprise, so many made an effort to come in and see me.   What a wonderful feeling.  It made my heart happy.  To know that so many people missed you while you were gone and are so very happy that you’re back and doing well.  I have such a wonderful relationship with soo many customers.   Well, how could I not?  I’ve been at that store for 17 1/2 years.   I know just about everyone.  They’re not customers anymore, they are family. . . .  and I love them 💕🤗

I had to have my wrist in my brace today.   It’s a good thing that I did.  Because it bothered me a lot.   I need my wrists’ to feel better, especially since I’m back at work.  I have a feeling that the repetitive motion that I do is going to be a nightmare.  I can already see being in constant pain with my right wrist.   Or just maybe 🤞  the motions will get all the fluid moving along and the pain will go away.   I can always hope.   

First day back =  success 🙂 

Seeing all my people ✔

Feeling great ✔

Making that money ✔

Today was a good day 😀

My first week back at work flew by!!!  I even went back to my training classes.  I missed doing that too.   Teaching new hires how to be cashiers.  Everything fell right into place.   I didn’t miss a beat.   Didn’t even seem like I had been gone at all.  Life is good. 

Dec 14 –  Today I had an appointment with my radiation oncologist.   Things look great!  I still have my burn annndddd it’s still super sensitive and very red.   I still wear sports bras a lot.  Those seem to help the best if you’re a breast/radiation patient.   I am still using that aquafor ointment daily, sometimes several times throughout the day for the irritation and itching.   It ITCHES like crazyyyy.  Today is exactly 1 month that I finished radiation.  So Overall, the doc is very pleased.  I graduated to 6 month check-ups.   Yay!!!

I haven’t forgotten.   Here is an update on my hair growth.  Yes, it is still going to be curly.   The back is starting to get out of control.  But in a good way.   And here they are. 

This is 19 weeks post chemotherapy 

Not bad.   I got a little spikey going on up top and a lot of curl starting to happen in the back.   My hair still feels super soft.  Like baby hair.   It’s perfect, undamaged hair.   I love it.  Let me tell you, getting ready in the mornings has never been so quick.  A little spritz and I’m all done.   

Dec 15 –  Today I got invited to go to CLNkids.  ‘Cuidando Los Ninos’.   It’s a shelter for homeless kids.  A group of coworkers always get together and take the kids treats, food, clothes, homemade lunch and since it’s Christmas time, they get presents and a visit from Santa!  What a wonderful time for them.   I had never been to one of these, but have been invited in the past.   I couldn’t tell you why I had never participated.  But I figured this would be good for me.  It was a new experience, to say the least.   

 

This little girl stole my heart.   If I was able to, I would have totally adopted her.   I would give her a home in an instant.   Her name is Savannah

  How happy they all were with their new teddy bears.   Something that they don’t have to share and is all theirs.  Something they can cuddle and sleep with.   They don’t know anything more than this.   Look at the way she is looking at her bear.  Such love. 

This was a humbling experience.   I will never forget this.   It made all my troubles and what I had been through disappear.   I see things through a new set of eyes ever since my ordeal.   And this got me in a way I wasn’t expecting.   “Lord, please watch over these children.   Keep them safe and warm.  And I pray that someday, they find a warm and loving place to call their home.” 😢💕

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

I can’t believe it is Christmas time.  The last couple of weeks have come and gone like a joke.  I have so much to be happy about.   Things are going well,  I feel great, now lets enjoy the holidays.   

I didn’t do any decorating like I usually do.    What I did was get us a little Charlie Brown Christmas tree.   I put it up, put a small string of lights on it, added a candy cane and viola, we have a Christmas tree.   It’s perfect.  Excuse the glare, it is right next to the window. 

I wasn’t up to decorating the house.  Not that I’m feeling like a humbug.   I just want something simple this year.   I don’t need all that extra stuff.  I just wanna be thankful that I made it through this horrible year.   All of that turmoil is behind me and I’m moving forward from here.   Remember, no looking in the rear view mirror. 

 I finally decided to post an updated picture of my hair on social media.   I really haven’t shared anything on there as far as putting selfies.  This will be the first selfie with my short hair.   I think from now on you can call me Curly Sue.  Sorry one of the pics came out blurry. 

21 weeks post chemotherapy 

I have itty bitty tiny bangs and a whole lotta curl 😀

Dec 31 –  Well, it’s time to wrap up this nightmare of a year.   

Gosh, looking back, I still can’t believe what I went through and the year I had.   This has been the worst year of my life and I can’t wait to kiss it goodbye.   

2017 holds so much fear, pain,  sadness, anxiety and challenges.   From diagnoses 10 months ago, it was one thing after another.   Everything happened so fast, I couldn’t even catch my breath.   I still remember them telling me,  “you’re going to have a long year”.   That was in February.  That thought alone scared the life right out of me.  Back then, I couldn’t even see myself in December.   I couldn’t see a day ahead of me because I had no idea what was in store.  It’s like you’re frozen in time, a horrible time and the hands on the clock don’t seem to move.  The days last forever and the nights don’t seem to come soon enough.   I went through everything imaginable.  I got thrown around (physically and mentally) like a little ragged doll.   Then came the end of treatment.   A time, I thought, when things were going to get sooo much better.   Everything is over now.  I can get back to ‘me’.   Instead, I was hit with such a horrible depression.   A depression sooo bad,  I wanted to end my life.  Instead of feeling happy and relieved, I was feeling down and lost, trapped and just wanted to slit my wrists’.    I was holding on by a thread.  My mental strength turned to pure mush.  I barley had the energy, let alone the will to make it through each day.   I felt hopeless.   Then there was the physical pain.   Good Lord, I had never felt this much pain and all over my body.   Things have to get better.   Things can’t stay like this.   I don’t wanna live like this.   I don’t wanna live at all.  Why do I feel this way?? 

 I can say goodbye.   I can say goodbye to all of that now.   What a relief.  I’m going to close that door.  Close that chapter of my life.  Seal it shut.  I NEVER wanna read it again.    Yes, my year was a long year.    Just like they said it would be.  But I would make it.    And I did.  That long year is over.  I can now kiss it goodbye.   Man, I can’t wait.  I have never wanted to see a new year like I do now.   I can’t wait for tomorrow.   I can’t wait for the clock to strike 12.   I wanna wake up to a new day, a new year and start all over, from scratch. 

This, , , , ,this is exactly how I feel about 2017.   F*ck you 🖕  I hated you  🤬  You were hard for me.  You sucked the life right out of me.  You almost broke me, almost,  but you didn’t.   I made it.  And now I want you to leave.  Adios!!  Get the hell outta here.   2018 is gonna treat me better and I’m going to feel better.  You’ll see.  I don’t ever wanna see you again!! 

I swear this is me.   I can see brighter days ahead. 

Midnight

Hello 2018,  well don’t you look beautiful!!  I’ve been waiting for you and I am so glad that you are here. 

“Learn from yesterday, Live for today and Hope for tomorrow!”

This is what last year taught me.   Now let’s move forward. 

Where do I begin?

  Oh yes, yes, we begin here.   

My story, I pray, will be so much better than the last.  Now let’s get 2018 and make the very best out of it.  I’m ready. 

 First hair pics of the year!!  

22 weeks post chemotherapy – almost exactly 5 months – progress

“Get busy living or get busy dying” 

The Shawshank Redemption