There it goes, but remember. . It’s not just Hair!!

Round 2 – Mar 30th

And so the ride begins.    Round 2 has arrived.   I’m not sure if that went quickly or if it took forever.   It’s very hard to tell with everything that happened in just 2 weeks.   But here I am, gearing up for another dose of the ‘red devil’ and it’s companion Cytoxin. 

As I brushed out my hair this morning, more came out.   Just in lots of strands.  Its Thursday, 2 weeks exactly since the start of chemo and there goes my hair.   I’ve come across a few wigs to wear during the time I won’t have any, but a wig just isn’t me.   I’ll have to get used to it cuz I’m not ready, by no means at all, to rock the bald.   A couple of them look just like my hair, but I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.   Like if everyone will be able to tell.  I guess we’ll see what happens. 

As always, the nurses at the cancer center are wonderful.   Once again I opted for a window seat to look outside.   This time I had a great view.   The scenery seems to ease my soul.   It’s tranquil.  

 

My view

     My Chemo pole 🤢 I named it Joaquin

      

My brothers and Clara Sue helped to keep me distracted while Sarah administered the ‘red devil’.   I really do dislike that one.   I mean, I dislike all that is happening to me.   But that adriamycin, I really don’t like.   I can’t help but feel that one is gonna cause me lots of grief.   During my infusion I was very happy when a dove came and perched itself on the wall.   I love doves.  When I see doves I think of peace, the holy spirit.   So it brought a smile to my heart and soul and eased my already troubled mind.    It stayed there for the longest time as if keeping a watchful eye on me until it flew away when a gardener was taking care of things.  

The burning sensation from the Cytoxan was there again.  It lasted about the same amount of time then it was gone.   I was prescribed an anxiety medication in case it came back strong like it did the last time.   Just to have on hand and to take when needed.   For the most part, I left feeling good, just a bit tired.    Nothing major.    Sarah once again informed me strongly it was time to cut my hair like really really short since it was starting to fall out.   That way I wouldn’t have to go through the agony of watching it fall out in globs.   I heard what she had to say but did I listen?     Round 2 complete.    YAY!

The following day, I felt like a normal person.   A bit of anxiety when I woke up but it soon went away on its own.   Blurry eyes have slowly returned and my mouth is dry.   Yuck, here we go again.   My mouth is very sensitive and tender and had to switch to a soft tooth brush and have to be careful when brushing.   I went about my day.   Couldn’t sleep for the life of me that night. 

Saturday, April 1st – 

Got up feeling okay.   Blurry eyes and dry mouth are in full force.   Either it’s the chemo or all the premeds including steroids I’m given or just a combination of it all.   All I can say is. . . . I don’t like it at all.   I won’t keep complaining about not being able to see or how awful my food tastes,  I’ll just leave that right here.   Just know that’s how it is.    I spent some time styling 2 of the wigs I had knowing I would be wearing them soon.   I tried to get the cut as close to my own hair as possible.   I guess it’ll be okay.   Still don’t wanna wear a wig but oh well that’s how its gonna be.   Later that day I took a shower, washed my hair. . . . OMGeeeeee!!!!!  *GASP*  My hair came out in GLOBS 😭  literal globs.  I couldn’t believe it!   It was non stop every time I ran my fingers through my hair. It came out so much that it bunched up and just tangled in a huge knot.   I couldn’t put my fingers through anymore.   I did my best to wash that tangled glob at the end of my head.   Oh why oh why didn’t I listen to Sarah?!   Now I understand when she said to cut it short.   I wouldn’t have to go through this!   It broke my heart, there goes my long hair.    No people, it is not just hair when it comes to chemo.   People say that all the time, ” it’s only hair, it’ll grow back”.   Well, yes it will.  But when you lose it and it’s not your choice to, no, it is not just hair.   It is a part of you, how you present yourself to other people, like the clothing we choose to wear.    So, if you know someone who is going through chemo, please don’t ever tell them it is just hair and it’ll grow back.   Have some compassion and know this wasn’t something they wanted to happen.   Trust me. 

As much as I didn’t want to but needed to, I had no choice.    I gathered that glob of tangled hair, got a pair of scissors and with my heart in my throat put it ponytail like,  took a deep breath and chopped it off.   I didn’t make my new haircut look pretty, it was all gonna fall out anyway.   But it was super short, like boy short and there was my hair.   I was holding it in my hands, all of my hair except for the little bit that stayed on my head.   It took 2 weeks and 2 days for this to happen.   Chemo wastes no time.   I felt like a whole different person even though in my heart I was still the same.    A sadness took over,  I needed to get used to the new me.  But its happening so fast I don’t even know where to start.  

From this (strands). . . . . . 

to this ( a glob )  in a matter of 3 days

Oh the emotional distress your heart and soul go through is unreal.   And all the new things you are forced to get used to.   It really is hell and as I said before. . . this is only the beginning.    The only thing you can do is soldier forward, keep a great attitude and make the best of your new life.   I walked over to my son in the other room with my glob of chopped off hair in my hands and showed him my new haircut.    He was totally shocked at what I had to show him but he gave me a huge boost to my confidence when he said, “your short hair doesn’t look bad at all, it looks good”.   Oh how I needed to hear that  💖    But after that moment I would no longer show my hair or my head.   

. . and this is what you get.  This is the end result.   Rockin’ my beanie!!   This is the new me.   

The turmoil that my heart was in was on overload.    I am doing my very best to cope with how things are going and trying to keep that positive outlook.  But some days you are just not prepared for and today was one of them.  I’ll get used to it, it’s just not gonna be today or tomorrow or the day after that but someday.   For now, I’ll just be in my own private hell till things get better.   Tomorrow I go to work and I don’t even know how I’m gonna handle the day, I’m just not ready.    I’ve told no one but my son.   *sigh*    I guess we shall see.  

So,  slowly into that dark and scary haunted house I go. . . Where it’s pitch black and things jump out at you at any moment that you just weren’t expecting. . . .