Curly Sue :)

I’ve been MIA for a good minute, I know. Life threw me a curve ball and it hit me right in the gut. ugh. Why is it always something? But the good news is, I’m still here. I haven’t gone anywhere. I just haven’t been on here to continue my story. But I’m ready to keep going. I still have soooo much to share with all of you. So, how bout we pick up where we left off? Which seems like forever ago.

Where were we?

I think we were somewhere at the beginning of 2018. OMG!!!! I am soo behind!! Time is just FLYINGGGGG! Yikes! Well, let’s get to it, before I get even more behind. Shall we? Let’s goooo

Feb. 2018 –

It’s the middle of February, already!! On the 13th of this month, I had my 1 year cancerversary. Haha, if that is even a word. So, what I mean is, it’s been 1 year already since my diagnosis. Looking back from this day, it flew by, but while I was going through everything, the clock just seemed to go tick, tock, tick tock at its very slowest.

Earlier this month, I had a visit with my primary Doctor. Overall she is very happy with where I am as far as moving forward and healing, mentally, emotionally and physically. I can admit that I’m feeling okay. I’m still far from 100%, but I’m happy with my progress. All I can do is keep moving forward and looking ahead to brighter days.

My mental health is a work in progress. Everyday gets better and better. I’m still taking my antidepressants faithfully. I’m way too scared to come off of them. She asked if I still needed them. Yes!!! I do. I don’t EVER want to go back to that dark, scary place I was at back in Sept-Dec. That ordeal was soo much harder than my diagnosis and treatment. Yes, I said it and believe it. Going through that kind of depression trumped what I was going through physically. You wouldn’t think so, huh? I was more scared of my fragile mental health than I ever was the big ‘C’. But at this moment, right now, what I can say is, I’m passed all of that. I’m here and I struggled hard just to get to this point. I’m going to work on my mental and emotional health. I’m going to work on me, physically. I need to get back to where I was pre-diagnosis. I’ll get there. Just not sure how long it’s gonna take.

My wrists’ don’t bother me anymore like they used to. I wore a wrist brace for the longest time. Even used that KT tape. That stuff actually helped. My doctor was giving me injections to help with the pain. But once those started to not work, she told me I needed to change my job duties at work. That if I didn’t, I was gonna end up blowing out my wrists’ and need surgery. Well, damn, I don’t want any of that. So, I changed what I do at work. I am still the Central Cashier Trainer but I am no longer in the checkstand. I don’t do cashiering anymore. I moved myself to self checkout. Not really a fan of it, but at least it’s helping to heal my wrists’. I no longer have that repetitive motion that was hurting me so bad and making it worse. After a few months, we’ll see how they feel.   

One day at a time.

Soo, I was thinking this post should be about the progress and timeline of my hair growth. I’ve already given a timeline thus far, so lets keep going.

When I lost my hair, I was looking all over the internet to see how long it would be before I got my hair to a decent length that I was comfortable with. It’s hard finding what you’re looking for when it seems a whole lot of people don’t talk or post about it. That was the whole reason for my blog. I wanted to put out information for others. Information that I was looking for when I got diagnosed. I still wanna put it all out there. I want people to find my blog and I hope they find information and photos to help with their journey or the journey of a loved one. That’s why I put so much detail. So with that, I’m gonna do a timeline on my hair. Cuz yes, it does grow back. Not as fast as I want it to, but it’ll do. At least it is growing.

Okay, remember on my last post, I said I couldn’t wait to color my hair? Well, guess what I went and did? I COLORED IT!!! EEK. Exciting! 🙂 I went with a dark reddish brown. We’ll see how it turns out.

So here goes. Let the hair pics start flowing in.

Letting my hair ‘cook’ haha.

So, while the color is setting in, can we talk about these curls? Look at all that curl!!!!! I’ve always had curly hair, but I have always had long hair, so you don’t see the curl as much. Now that my hair is short, just look at that. Oh Em Gee. All them curls doing their own thing. I do have to say, I like them. I like them a lot. I’m just not a fan of short hair. Well, not for me anyway. But while it’s growing, I’m going to enjoy them. Now, lets see if I can get rid of all this gross color my hair decided to take on. Not ready for natural highlights just yet.

Okay so this is the final result. It’s dark alright. I was tempted to straighten my hair, so I did a blowout. Good gawd, look at how it came out. lol I look like a scarecrow!

It’s still cute

29 weeks post-chemotherapy

Now I’m starting to play around some with my hair. I really like this colored hair wax. Blue it is, along with blue eyeliner to match. I have to coordinate. all the time.

Okay, yes, I’ve been on a blue kick. I can’t help it. I love the way it looks.

30 weeks post-chemotherapy

March 5 –

Today I had an appointment. I had a mammogram and ultrasound to do. From what they were able to tell me, no issues. Yay!!!!

It’s still blue!!! In a few days we’ll switch it up for St. Patrick’s Day. How about some green?!

March 12 –

I made an appointment with my OB/Gyn and today I see her. I’ve had an IUD in place for several years now. Well, I want it out. I want it out cuz I don’t want anything that feeds me more hormones than what my body produces. The particular IUD that I have, the Mirena, has hormones and is good for 5 years. . I’ve made the decision that I want something that doesn’t have any hormones AT ALL.

The reason, well. . . .you see, most female cancers are fueled and fed by your hormones. Did you know that? I didn’t, until I became a cancer patient. They tell you about estrogen receptors, HER2 receptors and progesterone receptors. All of these are hormones produced by our bodies. So, you wonder, what cancers are fed by hormones?

Okay, take a look. Hormone-related cancers-  breast, endometrium, ovary, prostate, testis, thyroid and osteosarcoma. Crazy huh?

So, what causes hormone fed breast cancer? Ladies, get ready for this –

Studies have shown that a woman’s risk of breast cancer is related to the estrogen and progesterone made by her ovaries (known as endogenous estrogen and progesterone). Being exposed for a long time and/or to high levels of these hormones has been linked to an increased risk of breast cancer.

I’m starting to believe that our ovaries are meant to kill us.

I’m sure you’ve heard a lot about estrogen, right, or at least the word itself? Well, do you know exactly the part it plays in your life?

Just in case you don’t –

What is estrogen? Estrogens are a group of hormones that play an important role in the normal sexual and reproductive development in women. They are also sex hormones. The woman’s ovaries make most estrogen hormones, although the adrenal glands and fat cells also make small amounts of the hormones.

Our ovaries are the main source of estrogen from our bodies.

With all of this knowledge I’ve been getting and the breast cancer diagnosis I received last year, I decided that I no longer want a hormone-releasing type of birth control. It scares the hell out of me. Now, if you remember, my breast cancer wasn’t hormone fed. It wasn’t brought on by any of my body producing hormones. The type that I had was triple negative. Meaning, my cancer was negative from all the 3 hormones, Estrogen, Progesterone and HER2. So, if that’s the case, then why am I worried about having my IUD removed? I don’t want to risk it. I’m so afraid to take that chance. I’m afraid of it coming back as a hormone related cancer. I’m better off getting a form of birth control that doesn’t have any hormones in it. It would just give me peace of mind. I settled for the Paraguard. It’s a copper IUD that doesn’t have ANY hormones in it. Yes, that one will do AND it’s good for 10 years. 

Mind at ease

With that being said, Ladies, please do your research. Do research on the type of birth control you decide to use. See what the amount of hormones you’re going to be adding to your body and be careful. Be careful that you’re not putting yourself at risk for breast cancer, OR any other kind for that matter.

Some information on hormones and cancer down below 👇

http://Hormones and cancer: What’s the link? MD Anderson Cancer Center

https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/risk/hormones

http://Estrogen-Dependent Cancers: Causes, Diagnosis & Treatment

So, what would be the safest breast cancer to have??? Triple negative, like mine, or hormone fed breast cancer? – – I don’t think that question can even be answered 😦

Enough of the teachings. Some more pics

HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!!!

LUCKY CHARM

I just had to do green. Who wouldn’t? You can’t see it in my hair like you were able the blue, but it’s still cute and it’s still growing. Of course, I had to do matching green eyeliner as well.

I have to say that I’ve been feeling pretty good. I really don’t have any complaints. So, that’s good. I’m still taking it 1 day at a time.

I’m starting to have a little bit more control of my hair. I don’t look like such a scarecrow anymore and I’ve been straightening it a lot

The above pics are 32 weeks post-chemotherapy

Just because

March 24

33 weeks post-chemotherapy

My son and I needed to get away from city life. He’s on spring break this week, So we took a drive up to Jemez Springs. This time, I made sure we did some things. If you remember, last year for his spring break, we weren’t able to do anything. I was constantly tied down to appointments or feeling like shit. So, up to the mountains we went.  Being in the mountains is my happy place. It’s so peaceful to me. We went to the Soda Dam. It has been a while that we have been here.   

He‘s grown so much from when I first started my blog

Wonder what he could be thinking about?

Soda Dam

Us

It was nice to be able to get away, even if it was just for the day. And the day was beautiful. Love spending time with my son.

 March 26 – 

Today I saw my surgeon. She is very happy with how I’m coming along and so am I. I graduated to the next step, she’ll see me in 6 months. Yay!!!!!!

March 28 –

Some work associates and I did the CLNKids (Cuidando Los Ninos) again, so that the kids could celebrate Easter, look for eggs and see the Easter bunny. We made them Easter baskets, hid eggs for them, served them lunch and then put them down for naptime. I’ve really come to enjoy coming here. They are so precious. I just love them. And the little girl that I fell in love with last time, Savannah, is still here. It made me happy to see her but it also made me sad, because if she is still here, that means that her family hasn’t found a place to live yet. She just captured my heart. I would still love to adopt her, if I could. I did ask. But she has a family and even though there are very unfortunate right now, at least they have each other.  

The kids looking for Easter eggs

Savannah

Serving the kids lunch

Back to some hair pics

March 30 –

34 weeks post chemotherapy

April 1 –

Happy April Fools Day!!!  Aint no fooling around here today. But I did feel good enough to tackle on some yard work. My energy lately has gotten so much better than what it used to be. The end of 2017, beginning of 2018, I was still struggling a lot with not having all of my energy. But that is slowly becoming a thing of the past and I can truly say, it is definitely getting better and better. Well, I decided to cut down some bushes that have gotten so overgrown. I think it is safe to say that we got in a fight, rather than me cutting them down. They are pyracanthas and they have thorns, a lot, like rose bushes. From the looks of these pictures, I look pretty beat up, but, I got the job done. Ouchie!!! I am ALWAYS hurting myself. 😦 

 

Look at that hair!!!!

April 13 – 36 weeks post chemotherapy 

I’m really enjoying the length that my hair is at. But I am gonna continue to let it grow. 

April 14 –

Time for some camping! Our first camping trip of the season. I’m excited. I didn’t get to do any of this last year because of treatment and always feeling so yucky. So, it’s time to get back at it. My brother Jake invited Dom and I to go. Of course, he didn’t have to ask twice. Lets do it!!! We went to Caballo Lake and Percha Dam. It’s in Southern New Mexico, It’s passed T or C. I enjoyed it. I always enjoy camping but. . . . I will always prefer to go North. I just love all the mountains that are up North. But I am always down to try a new place. So, this was it. I’m so glad I had energy to do things. Did some walking, some fishing, explored the area. It was quite nice and the weather was good to us. Nights were hella cold though, especially since it’s only April and when you tent it, there isn’t much to keep you warm. But take me camping anytime, I’ll go!!  

Jake, showing Dom the ropes

Dom and my niece, Olivia

Me, Trying to catch some fish

April 19 –

37 weeks post chemotherapy

My hair sure is coming along nicely. I’m loving it!

My nephew, Ysmael

With my dude

AWWWWW

May 11 –

Today my nephew graduated High School. I am so very proud of him. If you have been following my blog, then you know that my 2 oldest nephews are like my other sons. And Yaz is one of them. 

I can truly say that I am feeling so much better as time goes on and I am able to do things without getting breathless or having my heart race out of my chest. I can enjoy the things that I do and not feel miserable. Almost all of last year, I was constantly miserable and couldn’t do anything for feeling like shit. I’m so glad I am at this point where I can start enjoying my life. 1 year is a long time to let it go to waste. I know it was for a good reason. I’ve realized that you just have to live for the day and make the most of it. You never know when life is gonna sucker punch you in the gut. 

I never wanna go back to a year like 2017. I can’t wait til it isn’t even a thought anymore. I fought like hell through all kinds of shit just to be where I am now. I am still healing and getting better, but I am no where to where a was a year ago. I have made some amazing progress. I thank the Lord EVERY single day for my life.    

May 14 –

9 months post chemotherapy

This hair is growing non stop. Not that I’m complaining, but once it got to a certain point, it took off. I still have a ton of curl and I wear it however i feel like it. Can you believe it’s been 9 months??? I almost can’t. Last year at this time I was switching over from one chemo to the other and having a hell of a time. 

Look at me now! I’m living life and I’m loving life. And it can only get even better from here. Soon it’s gonna be summer. We’ll start getting the pool ready and hopefully get in some more camping. I won’t be miserable like I was last year. The heat won’t bother me as much cuz I don’t have those horrid hot flashes anymore. I still don’t like the heat but at least I won’t be in the fires of hell, like I was.

What a difference a year can make. I wanna keep moving forward. I wanna be at 100% (I’m getting there). No more looking back, that part of my life, that chapter, is closed shut. I’m gonna make the best of my life, of summer, of the rest of the year!! Cuz I’m alive! I fought the good fight and here I am. I can say without any hesitation. . . .

I MADE IT, I SURVIVED!!!!   

Time to start living this life!! Time to get back to me 🙂

Coming full Circle

First and Foremost, I want to begin with, I'm sorry. I'm sorry it takes me so long to put up a new post. I've been busy with life. But I want you to know that I am still here and I still have so much of my story to share. Now lets back track to where my last post left off. Here we go, Welcome 2018.

2017 was a very hard year for me, to say the least. I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer in February, the 13th to be exact. It’s like, Happy Valentine’s Day to me. NOT!! Once I received my diagnosis, things snowballed from there. Everything started to happen so fast, I couldn’t even wrap my mind around it. Doctors appointments, blood work. Tests. This, that. It was super overwhelming. From March – August, I was given chemotherapy. In September, I had my surgery (lumpectomy and lymph node dissection). Once I healed from my surgery, I started radiation and finished that mid November. Yes, my year was very long. But I did it. I endured 9 months of treatment to get rid of this devil that entered my body. All of it. I hated every minute of it, but it killed all the cancer and now I can proudly say, “I am cancer free!!!” Wow! That feels amazing. Soo, let’s begin my new story as a cancer free woman 😀

Jan 2, 2018 –

It’s that time to see my oncologist. Hopefully we start off this new year with good news 🙏🏻 He does his exam. Everything looks great. No sign of any lumps. I have healed from my surgery quite well. I do have to say that my surgeon did an amazing job. I do have a numbness from my lymph node scar, the area under my armpit and that numbness goes around to my back. I just have no feeling there. Hopefully in time that will go away. It’s very weird not having feeling there. I still have my radiation burn. That is very sensitive still and red. Skin is still very dry in that area. Overall, he is very pleased with everything. Yay!! Good news 👏 I won’t need to see him for awhile but I am scheduled for everything else. Follow up mammy the beginning of March. I’ll see my surgeon at the end of March and my radiologist in June. Gotta keep things on track. We most definitely don’t want that devil coming back.

How about some hair pics?? I think YES!!

24 weeks post chemotherapy – Look at all that curl!! Sooooo exciting

25 weeks post chemotherapy – I’m getting some bangs!! 😁 Sorry for the blurry pic

Feb 2, 2018 –

Today I go in to see my primary doctor. She wants to see how the medication 💊 (Sertraline) is working for me. She suggested weaning me off of it but I don’t feel comfortable yet. I was in such a dark place that I don’t wanna go back there. So I asked her if we could just leave it as it is. If I feel I’m ready sometime to come off of it, I will. But that time isn’t now. Overall, she’s happy with me and my progress! yay

Here is today’s pic.

Is that hair gel I see ???

Feb. 4, 2018 – It’s SUPERBOWL!!!!

Well, anyone who knows me, knows I love football. My team is the Pittsburgh Steelers. Although my team didn’t make it to the big game, I’m still sooo into it. The Superbowl is exciting for me. I just need to get my workday over with and then off to watch the game. My son and I will be watching it at my brothers house this year. The Philadelphia Eagles and The New England Patriots will be play each other. I’m not a fan of the Patriots, so I guess I’ll be rooting for the Eagles. Why Not?!?

While at work, my coworkers and I always take Superbowl selfies. We dress up in our favorite team jerseys. It makes it so fun at work. Sooooo, here’s our selfies

Feb. 4, 2018

I really did enjoy today. Work was fun. The game was good and the Eagles won it this year. The score was 41-33.

Feb. 5 –

Curly Sue

5 months post chemotherapy – I added in a blue hair wax, just to play around with it a little

February 13th, 2018 –

Well, today is my 1 year anniversary from my initial diagnosis 👏. Honestly, I didn’t think that I would ever get here. One year ago, I couldn’t even look this far ahead. But look at me now. Here I am, 1 year later and cancer free. Maybe you know how it feels and maybe you don’t, but it’s super exciting and a huge relief. You just don’t know what your outcome is gonna be. It’s scary. So much uncertainty when you’ve been given a cancer diagnosis, but I beat that devil inside me that tried to take over. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. Thank you Lord for having my back. I couldn’t have done this without You!

I’m slowly getting my body back to where it was pre diagnosis. Your body takes one hell of a beating. Chemotherapy is no joke. I lost a lot of strength in my arms, hands and my legs. My legs are the worst. If I squat down, Lord I ain’t getting back up. Somebody better come and help me or I’m staying there. But that is a work in progress. I’ll get there.

I’ve been working on my mental health as well. If you remember, I hit rock bottom of rock bottom. The bottom of the barrel. It got sooo bad for me, I truly wanted to end my life 😔 I got so depressed that I just didn’t want to live. I had so much to be thankful for yet I was in a world of despair. Thank goodness that is all behind me now. Happier days have found their way back into my heart. I am still on the medication for my depression (Sertraline 50 mg) and that has worked wonders. Every day is a new day to move forward. It’s crazy now to think that I ever felt that low. Never in my life had I felt that way and I don’t ever wanna feel that way again. With everything that happened in 2017, now you can somewhat understand why I couldn’t wait to kiss that year goodbye. It was like getting rid of all that heavy baggage I was carrying around. 2018 started off with a nice deep breath, good news and a new appreciation for life. I am determined to have a better year this year.

So, I have come full circle. 1 year ago, I got the worst news a person could possibly get, health wise. News that knocked me flat on my ass. I endured 9 months of treatment that included, Chemo, Surgery and radiation. When they told me back then that my year was gonna be a long one, damn, they weren’t kidding. I wanna put it behind me. I wanna seal 2017 airtight and never have to look there again. I wanna wash my hands of all the pain, the fear, the uncertainty, all of it. Now, it did teach me a lot, but most of it was just heartache for me. IT.WAS.JUST.HARD.

So, Goodbye heartache. Goodbye fear. Goodbye cancer. And Hello to a healthy new Me. Slowly I will get back to me. Physically and mentally I will get back to 100%. In the meantime I am going to enjoy being cancer free. Gosh it feels wonderful to say that. I can’t wait to do all the things I missed out on last year. I can’t wait to enjoy life again. I.CAN’T.WAIT. A little Hope and a little Faith can take you a long way. So, lets start enjoying life!!!!! Shall we?

Oh man!! I can’t wait to color my hair!!!!

Some friendly advise and something I know firsthand

Starting Over

I have been absent for a very long time.   But I am still here and I am still continuing my story

Dec 10, 2017 – 

Well, today is the day.  I go back to work.  I’m excited, but also a bit hesitant at the same time.  All I know, is that I’m ready.   I feel like I’ve had plenty of time off to work on ‘me’.   I’ve been out of work since Aug. 4th and it’s time.  I don’t feel 100% but I can say,  I am on the mend.   Can’t wait to see my people.  I’ve missed them.   I’m ready for this new day.  Ready for this new start. 

Here we goooooo!!!

And fierce I was.  It felt soo good to be back at work.   Gosh, I missed all my people.  I missed my work family.    I needed to go back.   I needed all of them.   I needed my normal routine back.  I needed to feel like ‘me’.  It did me good.  I was happy and all smiles.   

All of my co-workers were respectful of my wish to keep things private.   Yes, I still want my privacy.   No,  I don’t feel like getting into details with anyone about why I was gone.  I just don’t want to.   I don’t wanna talk about it.   I would rather write down all my feelings, details and my journey and share them here, with all of you.   I go to work, to work. 

Everyone was welcoming and happy to see me.   I went in sporting my new hairdo and I rocked it.  No wig.  Just me and my short hair.   My day went well.  There were a few customers that just HAD TO KNOW where I had been and why the drastic new look with my hair.  I’m sorry, but I don’t owe anyone an explanation.   

You know,  there are people that support you no matter what.  Because they love you and want the best for you.  And then there are the people that can only support you IF they know all the details.  They have to be in the ‘know’.   That’s not how I roll.  I don’t need those kind of people in my life.  In my opinion, I told my small circle.  The important ones.  And that’s all I needed.  I didn’t need to tell the world.   I will only share my story if I want to.  Yes, I’m stubborn, in case you haven’t caught on by now 😜 

I loved it that I got to see all my people.  That’s what I call them, ‘my people’,  ‘My Sunday peeps’!  Ted had let everyone know that today was going to be my 1st day back and to my surprise, so many made an effort to come in and see me.   What a wonderful feeling.  It made my heart happy.  To know that so many people missed you while you were gone and are so very happy that you’re back and doing well.  I have such a wonderful relationship with soo many customers.   Well, how could I not?  I’ve been at that store FOREVER!.   I know just about everyone.  They’re not customers anymore, they are family. . . .  and I love them 💕🤗

I had to have my wrist in my brace today.   It’s a good thing that I did.  Because it bothered me a lot.   I need my wrists’ to feel better, especially since I’m back at work.  I have a feeling that the repetitive motion that I do is going to be a nightmare.  I can already see being in constant pain with my right wrist.   Or just maybe 🤞  the motions will get all the fluid moving along and the pain will go away.   I can always hope.   

First day back =  success 🙂 

Seeing all my people ✔

Feeling great ✔

Making that money ✔

Today was a good day 😀

My first week back at work flew by!!!  I even went back to my training classes.  I missed doing that too.   Teaching new hires how to be cashiers.  Everything fell right into place.   I didn’t miss a beat.   Didn’t even seem like I had been gone at all.  Life is good. 

Dec 14 – 

Today I had an appointment with my radiation oncologist.   Things look great!  I still have my burn annndddd it’s still super sensitive and very red.   I still wear sports bras a lot.  Those seem to help the best if you’re a breast/radiation patient.   I am still using that aquafor ointment daily, sometimes several times throughout the day for the irritation and itching.   It ITCHES like crazyyyy.  Today is exactly 1 month that I finished radiation.  So Overall, the doc is very pleased.  I graduated to 6 month check-ups.   Yay!!!

I haven’t forgotten.   Here is an update on my hair growth.  Yes, it is still going to be curly.   The back is starting to get out of control.  But in a good way.   And here they are. 

This is 19 weeks post chemotherapy 

Not bad.   I got a little spikey going on up top and a lot of curl starting to happen in the back.   My hair still feels super soft.  Like baby hair.   It’s perfect, undamaged hair.   I love it.  Let me tell you, getting ready in the mornings has never been so quick.  A little spritz and I’m all done.   

Dec 15 – 

Today I got invited to go to CLNkids.  ‘Cuidando Los Ninos’.   It’s a shelter for homeless kids.  A group of coworkers always get together and take the kids treats, food, clothes, homemade lunch and since it’s Christmas time, they get presents and a visit from Santa!  What a wonderful time for them.   I had never been to one of these, but have been invited in the past.   I couldn’t tell you why I had never participated.  But I figured this would be good for me.  It was a new experience, to say the least.   

 

This little girl stole my heart.   If I was able to, I would have totally adopted her.   I would give her a home in an instant.   Her name is Savannah

  How happy they all were with their new teddy bears.   Something that they don’t have to share and is all theirs.  Something they can cuddle and sleep with.   They don’t know anything more than this.   Look at the way she is looking at her bear.  Such love. 

This was a humbling experience.   I will never forget this.   It made all my troubles and what I had been through disappear.   I see things through a new set of eyes ever since my ordeal.   And this got me in a way I wasn’t expecting.   “Lord, please watch over these children.   Keep them safe and warm.  And I pray that someday, they find a warm and loving place to call their home.” 😢💕

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

I can’t believe it is Christmas time.  The last couple of weeks have come and gone like a joke.  I have so much to be happy about.   Things are going well,  I feel great, now lets enjoy the holidays.   

I didn’t do any decorating like I usually do.    What I did was get us a little Charlie Brown Christmas tree.   I put it up, put a small string of lights on it, added a candy cane and viola, we have a Christmas tree.   It’s perfect.  Excuse the glare, it is right next to the window. 

I wasn’t up to decorating the house.  Not that I’m feeling like a humbug.   I just want something simple this year.   I don’t need all that extra stuff.  I just wanna be thankful that I made it through this horrible year.   All of that turmoil is behind me and I’m moving forward from here.   Remember, no looking in the rear view mirror. 

 I finally decided to post an updated picture of my hair on social media.   I really haven’t shared anything on there as far as putting selfies.  This will be the first selfie with my short hair.   I think from now on you can call me Curly Sue.  Sorry one of the pics came out blurry. 

21 weeks post chemotherapy 

I have itty bitty tiny bangs and a whole lotta curl 😀

Dec 31 –  Well, it’s time to wrap up this nightmare of a year.   

Gosh, looking back, I still can’t believe what I went through and the year I had.   This has been the worst year of my life and I can’t wait to kiss it goodbye.   

2017 holds so much fear, pain,  sadness, anxiety and challenges.   From diagnoses 10 months ago, it was one thing after another.   Everything happened so fast, I couldn’t even catch my breath.   I still remember them telling me,  “you’re going to have a long year”.   That was in February.  That thought alone scared the life right out of me.  Back then, I couldn’t even see myself in December.   I couldn’t see a day ahead of me because I had no idea what was in store.  It’s like you’re frozen in time, a horrible time and the hands on the clock don’t seem to move.  The days last forever and the nights don’t seem to come soon enough.   I went through everything imaginable.  I got thrown around (physically and mentally) like a little ragged doll.   Then came the end of treatment.   A time, I thought, when things were going to get sooo much better.   Everything is over now.  I can get back to ‘me’.   Instead, I was hit with such a horrible depression.   A depression sooo bad,  I wanted to end my life.  Instead of feeling happy and relieved, I was feeling down and lost, trapped and just wanted to slit my wrists’.    I was holding on by a thread.  My mental strength turned to pure mush.  I barley had the energy, let alone the will to make it through each day.   I felt hopeless.   Then there was the physical pain.   Good Lord, I had never felt this much pain and all over my body.   Things have to get better.   Things can’t stay like this.   I don’t wanna live like this.   I don’t wanna live at all.  Why do I feel this way?? 

 I can say goodbye.   I can say goodbye to all of that now.   What a relief.  I’m going to close that door.  Close that chapter of my life.  Seal it shut.  I NEVER wanna read it again.    Yes, my year was a long year.    Just like they said it would be.  But I would make it.    And I did.  That long year is over.  I can now kiss it goodbye.   Man, I can’t wait.  I have never wanted to see a new year like I do now.   I can’t wait for tomorrow.   I can’t wait for the clock to strike 12.   I wanna wake up to a new day, a new year and start all over, from scratch.  Clean slate. 

This, , , , ,this is exactly how I feel about 2017.   F*ck you 🖕  I hated you  🤬  You were hard for me.  You sucked the life right out of me.  You almost broke me, almost,  but you didn’t.   I made it.  And now I want you to leave.  Adios!!  Get the hell outta here.   2018 is gonna treat me better and I’m going to feel better.  You’ll see.  I don’t ever wanna see you again!! 

I swear this is me.   I can see brighter days ahead. 

Midnight

Hello 2018,  well don’t you look beautiful!!  I’ve been waiting for you and I am so glad that you are here. 

“Learn from yesterday, Live for today and Hope for tomorrow!”

This is what last year taught me.   Now let’s move forward. 

Where do I begin?

  Oh yes, yes, we begin here.   

My story, I pray, will be so much better than the last.  Now let’s get 2018 and make the very best out of it.  I’m ready. 

 First hair pics of the year!!  

22 weeks post chemotherapy – almost exactly 5 months – progress

“Get busy living or get busy dying” 

The Shawshank Redemption

  

Picking up the Pieces

Nov. 15th

Well. . . . today I was gonna try to start picking up the pieces of my scattered life.   That was my plan.  Unfortunatley,  late yesterday afternoon, I ended up in excruiating pain.  Good God!!  When will this ever end??   If it’s not one thing, it is always another  😢

After I rang that bell yesterday, I had lots of hope that my mind, body and soul were on the road to recovery.   I just new it had to get better.  Right?!?  Treatment is over.   I FINALLY got the ‘all clear’ signal,  I rang that bell that pretty much indicates you have been released from hell.  Life will be good.  I hope I can find all those scattered pieces of my life that have been strewn about the last 10 months.   I had that release of emotions that had been building up all this time.  I cried til I couldn’t cry anymore.  I was feeling good about things.  Things are gonna get better.  I just knew it.   

How foolish of me to think that. . . . . .

For out of the blue, I was hit with excrutiating back pain.  Oh my word, the pain is unbearable 😫  I’ve been here before.   I know this pain.   I know it all too well.  Especially this past year.   I have kidney stones. . . . .AGAIN!!!!   What the hell!!  Is it ever gonna stop?!  The physical pain that I have endured this whole year is like none I’ve ever had before.  It’s like a cycle.   It just keeps restarting over and over.  My body is tired.   My mind is tired.  My heart is tired.    Treatment wreaked havoc on my body and obviously, it still is.    I wonder if there will ever be an end in sight?   I wonder if I will ever have anything good and bright to share?   All I share is this horrible journey that has become my life.    This has to be like the 4th or 5th time I’ve gotten kidney stones since starting treatment.   Them suckers are so painful.   I guess all the excitement I had after ringing the bell triggered that little asshole to cause me pain.  And pain there was.   I can’t seem to catch a break.  I refused to go to the ER because there is absolutely nothing they can do but give pain meds and let it run it’s course.  Also. . . I didn’t feel like spending my whole night there.  Waiting.   When I could at least rest in my own bed and feel miserable without nurses constantly walking in on me. *sigh*

I took some of the pain killers 💊 that were given to me for my joint pain.  I threw those up 🤢 🤮 Took some more.   Threw those up as well 🤢  can’t keep anything down.   I won’t take anymore meds.   I’m too afraid.  I guess I’ll just deal with it.   Til the pain goes away. 

   I don’t wanna keep going through this.  I want things to start getting better.   I want my life back.  I want to enjoy things again.  I don’t want to always be in pain.   

My furbaby, Reggie, must’ve sensed my distress.   He laid with me,  curled up right next to my head.   He’s my therapy right now.   He keeps me calm.    Furbabies are the best 💕🐈🐾

Next morning – 

I’m doing better today.  So far, no pain.  I think Reggie feels relieved all my turmoil is over.  He’s been by my side.  He slept above my head on the pillow all night and now he’s laying right beside me.  

I still haven’t passed the kidney stone yet but I don’t have pain anymore.   I didn’t sleep well at all but. . . . today is a new day. 

 I’m gonna try harder to have calmer days.  I think I had that release I’ve been needing.  Maybe not all of that built up anguish came out,  but a lot did.  I hope it helps me.   Everyone tells me that things will get better.   I sure hope so.  I’m waiting patiently.   

Today is our Thanksgiving potluck at work.  I haven’t been there but was invited to come.  I thought today might have been stressful due to the night I had but it was actually a good day.   I  actually woke up wanting to do things.   Yay.   I made some treats to take to the potluck.   Crockpot candy.   mmmmm.  I’ve missed my work family.   I can’t wait to see them.    I also got to spend some time with Clara Sue.   That’s always a plus 😊 

Nov.  17th – 

 I was invited to help serve lunch at the elementary school that my son used to go to.  My friend, Christine,  thought that it would be a good idea.   Just to get me out of the house.  Because I had been feeling so down the past few months.  My wrists’ still hurt me a ton and I keep a brace on my right one, but I think I would enjoy it.   I love seeing all the little kids. I hope my energy holds up. 

 My wrists’ bothered me a whole bunch, but I really enjoyed hanging out at the school with the kids.   Now that Dominic is in middle school, it’s not the same not having Thanksgiving lunch with him.   I miss that.  Today turned out to be an okay day.   Even though I really enjoyed it, I went home very tired and here comes that sadness 😢

 I’m still somewhat locked in my own mind.

 

This picture ^ ^ ^ ^  SPEAKS VOLUMES to me!!! 

I remember when this was me.   This IS me.  Locked in my mind.  A prisoner.   Not knowing how to escape.  Feeling exactly like this, but smiling and laughing around anyone else.   By myself, I’m a wreck,  but when I’m with you, you would never know the struggles that are going on within me. 

 Today it’s been a little over 2 weeks since I started on that medication for my PTSD and depression.  After hitting rock bottom, crying all the time, the anxiety and having suicidal thoughts, I had to do something or I was gonna end my life.  Gosh, things got sooo bad, mentally for me.   What a dark place I was in.  The darkest.  It was scary.  I thought for sure I would end things.  And I probably would have, if I didn’t seek help.   I’m so glad I did.   And if YOU need to, please reach out and ask for help.   Depression/anxiety is a horrible illness and you are never alone.  Asking for help does not make you a weak person.   It makes you a strong one, because you want to live your life happy and healthy. 

I am finally up to the full dose of the medication.  It should really start kicking in and working.    I had to start off with only a half of the dose, 25 mg and now I’m at 50mg.  I need mental relief.    I need to keep reminding myself that recovery is a slow process and I need to learn how to be patient.  

For those of you that are wondering, yes,  I am still keeping up with my hair regrowth progress.   Here are this weeks pics

15 weeks post chemotherapy

No curls yet.  Wonder if my hair will be curly like it was before?  I do have a bit of a wave in it.   So, I guess we’ll see.   I really don’t like the color that it’s taking on but hey, at least I have hair.   Exciting!!

 From my friend, Celina ❤❤

 

My wings are slowly starting to grow back.  Hopefully soon I’ll be gliding along with that gentle breeze. 

Nov. 19 – 

I really hadn’t paid much attention, til I finally noticed. . . . I felt the breeze on my face.   I felt the sun on my skin.   I heard the birds singing.   Oh my, what a wonderful feeling.  I close my eyes and take it all in.  I hadn’t felt any of that in months.  I was so lost in my mental prison, my darkness, all that sadness and pain, that I forgot what all of that felt like.  It’s wonderful.   I’ve missed it.  Oh how I’ve missed it.  I hope things are starting to look up for me. 

Nov. 20th – 

I can honestly say that my days are slowly starting to get brighter.   Can you believe I’m saying that?   I take my medication faithfully and yes,  it is helping.  One day at a time.   This past week had been good.  Every day gets better.   The days have been a bit chilly.  Today I made the first fire of the season in my woodstove.   And of course when there is a fire,  I had to put up some beef jerkey to dry. 

The pain in my knees and feet went away.   The tingling in my fingers is pretty much gone from the neuropathy.  And another thing I hadn’t noticed til now,  my hot flashes are gone.  Remember I wrote about those?  Good Lord those were awful.  I always felt like I was melting and it seemed like it would happen all day long.  I can’t tell you how long its been since they’ve disappeared.   I had so many other things going on that I don’t even know when it stopped.   My body doesn’t hurt as much anymore.  I still have the pain in my wrists’.

 Nov.  22  –   

What a beautiful November day!! 🍁🍂☀🍁

   

Hair progress.  I think I see a hint of some curl there in the back.   It is really starting to thicken up. 

16 weeks post chemotherapy 

 Nov. 23 – 

I have soo much to be thankful for.   I am here, I am alive and I am doing a lot better.   Thank you to all my friends and family that stayed by my side and fought this battle with me.  I love you all.  Thank you for being a part of my life. 

 Nov. 27  – 

I am happy to report that I have been doing so good.  And the sun in my days has been shining bright ☀   My wrists’ still bother me a bunch, but can you believe that is my only gripe?   I went to the Dr and I have DeQuervain’s tenosynovitis in both wrists’.   It’s a form of severe tendonitis.  My thumb tendons at my wrists’ are so inflammed they have a popping/getting stuck feeling.  I may need injections.  I can’t believe how bad my joints, muscles and everything else got effected by treatment.  sheesh

I go back to work on Dec. 10.   I can’t believe it is time to go back.   My year drug, yet it went so fast.   Only few would understand that.  I’m ready.  I think I’ve had enough time off to get myself somewhat of where I used to be, mentally and physically.   I’ve really missed being around everyone.  I’m going to start off slow at first and see how it goes.  I still have a lot of problems with my wrists’, but that is my only problem.  I have been waiting a long time to feel better.  And I finally do.   Not 100% , but a signifiant difference. 

 Weekly hair progress

17 weeks post chemotherapy 

l👀k at ALL that curl 😃  I think it is safe to say that my hair will still be curly.    Look at the way it is growing in!!  Of course, I don’t like the color that it is, but that can be taken care of.   I’m excited!   😁My radiation burn is in full force.  Ouchie    My scars are healing  nicely.   My lymph node scar is very sensitive.   Especially since my radiation burn reaches that area.   I still put aquaphor ointment on several times, daily.   It helps with the itch and the overall burn.   Wearing a bra is almost impossible, so I have found that sports bras work best for me.  I know one day all of this will be a thing of the past, but for now, I just do my very best. 

 I can’t believe Christmas is right around the corner.  I don’t know where Nov. went and Dec. has it’s foot on the gas pedal.  I almost can’t keep up.   Don’t think this bad of me, but I’m not really looking forward to Christmas.  I’m not a bah humbug, just not feeling it.  I just want to get through the rest of the year.  That’s all. 

 For the love of God!!  Can you believe I caught a cold?  The whole time that I was in treatment, not once did I get sick with a cold or any flu like symptoms.   Now that it is all said and done,  I get sick.   Just my luck.  Why do things happen that way?  And it’s a stubborn one.   It has me feeling groggy and tired.  Can someone come take care of me??

I go back to work in a few days.  I have been out since Aug 4.  4 months almost to the day.  I really needed that time off.   It was good for me.  But I really believe I am ready to go back to work.   To have a sense of normal back in my life.   I’ve missed everyone, especially my customers.   I’m not looking forward to all the questions of  ‘ why were you out of work?’ ,  ‘why is your hair short?’.   Things like that.   I am an EXTREMELY private person, unless I have talked to you about it, I don’t really feel like explaining to everyone that I have been fighting the good fight.   I just wanna go to work and work.   Don’t feel like talking about my struggles.  Honestly, I’m over it.  The subject is old.   I am cancer free and I want my days and conversations to be cancer free as well.  I’ve dealt and talked about it plenty this WHOLE year.   I don’t want to talk about it anymore, especially at work.   

Dec. 9th – 

Tomorrow I go back to work.  EEEkk.  Sunday is my favorite day to work.   I’ll get to see all my Sunday peeps.  I’m excited about that.  I’m looking forward to it.   It’ll be  a good day.   Since I’m going back to work I wasn’t going to go with all that gray in my hair, sooo, I colored it.  A soft auburn/brown color.  Now I’m ready!! 😀  Look out world.   Here I come!!

Ready to go back to work

Tomorrow I go back to work.   A new day.  New beginnings.  Starting over 🙂

Lord, I hope this day is Good

Nov, 14 –

Graduation day!  Last radiation treatment 🙂 

 I started the day with a zillion thoughts buzzing around in my mind.  Today is my last treatment.  Today is the last day of my journey.  In the beginning, I thought this day would never come.  Here it is.  While I was going through everything, the days just drug on by.   Looking back, honestly, it flew.  We are in November.  Soon it’ll be Thanksgiving.   My mind and my soul have been reeling since Valentine’s day.  I just need rest.  I need mental and emotional rest.   My soul needs peace.  The anticipation of what the day will bring, has me on edge.   I am relieved, that when I walk out of there, I AM DONE.  But I have mixed emotions.   Naturally, I have anxiety but I’ve had that for weeks now.  I feel anxious, happy, sad, I feel trepidation.  My feelings are all over the place.  My mental pain is still lingering and I just wanna be done. 

I hope today is a good day.   

This song has been playing in my mind.  A lot of it, is me and how I’ve been feeling lately.  Empty and misunderstood, although, I am grateful.  I just want today to be a good day. 

🎶 LORD, I HOPE THIS DAY IS GOOD🎵

🎼🎶Lord, I hope this day is good.  I’m feeling empty and misunderstood.   I should be thankful, Lord I know I should but Lord, I hope this day is good. 

Lord, have you forgotten me?  I’ve been praying to you faithfully.   I’m not saying I’m a righteous man but Lord, I hope you understand. 

I don’t need fortune and I don’t need fame.  Send down the thunder Lord send down the rain. But when your planning  just how it will be, plan a good day for me. 

Lord, I hope this day is good.  I’m feeling empty and misunderstood.   I should be thankful, Lord I know I should, but Lord, I hope this day is good. 

You’ve been the King since the dawn of time.   All that I’m asking is a little less cryin.  It might be hard for the devil to do but it would be easy for you. 🎵🎶

 Lord, please just give me a good day.

Clara Sue came and picked me up.   I asked her to come with me today, since it’s my last time.  I wanted her to be there.  Here we go. 

When we got there, all the receptionists and nurses were excited for me.   “yay, last day!!”

 Sitting in the waiting area, I became friends with another patient receiving radiation.   She was older, maybe in her 70’s, great spirit.  We were always there at the same time and we’d sit and wait together til it was our turn.  She was happy for me. We talked about life after radiation.   I was getting more and more anxious.  I get called back.   Eeek , It’s time. 

This is the last time I’ll have to get in this thing.  

You can see the lazers as they line me up.  I’ve had great doctors.  That’s so important in a journey like this one.  You see them everyday, so they become a part of your routine. 

One of my wrists’ is in a brace.  They hurt so bad.   My whole body hurts with pain. I hope all of this goes away once I’m done.  I miss the ‘me’ that felt good.  The one that was happy all the time and never complained about pain. I’ve missed her a lot. I hope she comes back and that she’s not gone forever. Cuz, I’m not sure I can handle this new normal that has become my life.  I hate it.  I just don’t feel good, inside or out.  And I feel it from head to toe. 

A few minutes later.  All done. yes!!  We walk out to the hallway.  It’s time to ring my last bell.  Treatment is all over.  I made it.   I can feel a ball in my throat.  I’m getting choked up.   I started to get emotional as I went to go change.  Jill was still waiting, the other patient I became friends with.  We hugged and wished each other well.  I started to cry.  Something that didn’t happen the last time. 

It’s time. My doctors are with me.  I’m ready.   *ringing the bell*  last treatment.  I did so much better this time. 

Like the doctor said, “keep moving forward, no looking in the rear view mirror”  Nope, not a chance, no looking back.   Time to go forward.   This journey took 9 m

onths and 1 day.   I could’ve had a baby in the time.  I would have much rather of had a baby.  This was rough and it still is.   There went my whole year and I thought 2017 was gonna be a good one.  It was my worst.

Let’s go.  I’m ready to leave. 

But first, there is something that I need to do.  I asked Clara Sue if she would come with me to the infusion center on the other side from where we were.   I need to do something and I want her to be there. 

As we walked in, I met up with my oncology nurses that I had during chemo.  Yay, celebration talks and congratulations.  I found Sara.  Sara was my main oncology nurse.   We ended up connecting so well during my infusions.  My very first day of chemo, I was frightened, anxious, nervous.  The unknown is very scary.  She had something for me.  A necklace, from a survivor.  She was instructed to give it the next one who came in for treatment for breast cancer.   The next one to come in, was me.   She gave it to me.  Along with hope to never give up.  That stayed with me throughout my journey.  A little hope can go a long way.  I wanted to do just the same.  We need to build each other up and become each others strength.  Whether we know one another or not.   I never knew this lady, didn’t even know her name.  but it touched me.  I want to continue that.   I am passing hope and strength forward.  To give the next one who comes in, the encouragement she needs to put up a good fight.   This is my gift to her. 

 “Fight hard and don’t ever give up”

Together ‘WE’ can make a difference. 

 As we walked out, my emotions were bubbling to the surface.  It felt that at any moment they were about to explode.   I didn’t feel this when I finished chemo.   Honestly, I felt nothing.  I felt numb, turned off.  Robotic, almost.  Just going through the motions.   This time was different.   This time it needed to come out.   That wall of built up feelings started to crumble and it wasn’t long til it came crashing down.   That dam broke.  All those feelings from the past 10 months came bursting out.  This is the release that I had been needing for soo long.  I bawled my heart out.  The floodgates opened up and out came all my fears, my anguish, the hurt, the pain.

I finally let it all out. 

I finally allowed myself to cry and to feel everything.  I cried the rest of the afternoon.  It was nonstop.  So much needed to be released.  I had to let it go.  I had to get it out of my system. It was just there, festering, making me miserable, making my chest feel so heavy, so heavy that it felt like I couldn’t breathe.  Guess what,  I was able to breathe,  I was finally able to take in that deep breathe and let it back out.  Oh how I needed to let go of the fear and the anguish.  All this time I wasn’t able to get that release.  Today, I finally got it.  I finally let all those feelings that I’ve been pushing down, out.  I acknowledge it all. I faced it.  I finally let it go.  I felt so much better, on the inside.   My  soul felt relieved. 

By the end of the day, I was emotionally exhausted.  But now, I can finally say, ” I am officially free and clear”  Oh my goodness!!  Free and clear.   What wonderful words. 

I am mentally and emotionally worn out.  Exhausted.   But my soul feels relief.  I can move on now.  I can gather the scattered leaves of my life and try to put them back together.  I hope I can.  I hope that now, my mind and my soul will be released from that prison they’ve been entangled in.  

I hope

Lord,  thank you for giving me a good day.  That’s all I asked for. 

Tomorrow, I start picking up the pieces

Mental and emotional Pain

The depths of this dark, bottomless pit are unforgiving.  I keep falling, further and further down.  There is no end in sight.  I’m holding on as tight as I can, but I’m slipping.  Slipping at a high rate of speed.   What do I do?  There is nothing to grab on to.  I’m trying soo hard, but I can’t.  

My mind and my heart are so lost 😟   I’m definitely broken.  I feel like scattered, autumn leaves with nowhere to go, blowing in all directions.    I know I am finally grieving and processing everything I have been through.   My doctor says she is going to get me back to where I was.  I really hope so.  I just can’t take this ‘feeling lost’ anymore.  I’m so afraid.  The fear of this impending doom is horrible.

Nov. 2 – 

Today I feel so blah.  That’s nothing unusual, but I feel super exhausted.  Actually it’s that fatigue I’ve grown to hate so much.   Not sure if the side effects of radiation are catching up with me, or the start of the new medication.   It doesn’t help that today is the anniversary that I lost my Pops.  I told myself this morning that I wasn’t gonna be sad, that today was gonna be a good day. But I miss my best friend so much.  Our talks and just hanging out.  Things, I feel, would be a lot easier to deal with if I had him here.  This nasty ordeal has had me longing for my parents like never before and the post traumatic stress makes it 10x harder.   

Today is day 2 of the medication. 

I don’t feel a difference.  Yes, I know I just started it.  But if you’re like me, I want things to work yesterday.   I’m at the end of my rope, mentally, that I literally can’t wait for it to cycle and build up in my system.   I’m so afraid of the feelings I’ve been having.  My mind is so trapped, drowning.  I can’t breathe.   I can’t wait for Dominic to get home from school.  I don’t want to be by myself.   As much as I tried to not miss my Pops,  I was so sad and depressed, it even brought my son down.  It played over and over in my mind, the day we lost him, like a movie stuck on repeat.  I couldn’t turn it off.  My fragile mental state was at its very lowest.   Today was a very hard day.   

My aches and pains seem to be getting better by a millimeter.  Yeah, not much at all.   The pain in my knees is gone but unfortunately, it is everywhere else.  I think a lot of it settled in my wrists’, they really hurt, a lot.   I cancelled my upcoming physical therapy appointments cuz they were conflicting with my radiation appts.  Frankly, I lost interest in going to PT ever since she suggested that 6 week program she wanted to put me in.   I’m just tired.  Tired of going here and there.   Yes, I am a stubborn ass.  You’ll be happy to know that I am still doing all of my exercises at home that she had given me. 

 Nov. 3 –  weekly hair progress.  

3 months (exactly) post chemotherapy.   It’s thickening up. 

Guess what? 

I only have 7 more radiation treatments left. Yay!!   It really is going by fast.  My skin is so irritable.   It definitely looks burnt.   I rub that healing ointment on faithfully.  It really does help.  Wearing a bra or anything that is tight or rubbing is very uncomfortable and painful.  Going braless always feels like Heaven, but even more so now.  You won’t understand til you’ve been there.   Sports bras REALLY help.   I so recommend those for anyone going through boob radiation. 

Nov 8 – 

Today I finally got out of the house.  I made plans with one of my good friends, Celina.  We have known each other since Dominic was a baby, she’s like having a sister.   She knows that things have been rough for me and we’ve been talking about getting together.  So, we finally did.  We were just gonna go to lunch, but she ended up joining me at my rad appointment.    That made me happy.  I actually couldn’t wait to have some friend time and of course, some lunch.    She came a bit early, so we had time to talk.  Ive been telling her for awhile now, that I just need to cry.   She said all the right things to get that wall of pain and anxiety to crumble down.  I was finally able to cry, but just a bit. It didn’t all come out, but at least I was able to release some of the anguish and fear from the last 9 months.   Telling her through tears, ” I don’t know what happened to my mental strength.  I just don’t feel like that strong person anymore.  I have no idea where she went.” 

Celina was comforting.  She understood my mental struggles.  She didn’t tell me how to feel.  She didn’t tell me what to do.   She didn’t tell me that there are others that have it worse than I do.  She didn’t push me, she just waited.  Sat with me.  She was that shoulder to cry on.   Sometimes, all you need is someone to just sit with you.  Not to say anything or do anything.   Just someone to be there.   She was there.    She allowed me to feel whatever I needed to feel.  A lot of people have told me, “be grateful, look at how far you’ve come” or ” Don’t think that way”  or ” go out and do something, you’ll feel better.”   Don’t tell me how to handle it, if you don’t understand what I am going through.  You have no idea.  When people tell you, you are a strong person, you feel ashamed to say you’re not that strong.  It makes it even harder to ask for help.  You feel weak and embarrased.  But know that I am doing my best considering my situation. 

 I needed this day.  I needed someone who understood.  I needed her.  She was there.  She was just what I needed.  

This was us (Celina and I)  on Superbowl Sunday, 2017.   I was happy.  Things were good.  Life was good.   This was one week before my diagnosis.   Then, my world was turned upside down.  I was gutted, shattered, knocked flat on my ass.    I wanna get back to a day like this day.   I wanna get back to normal.  I wanna be happy again.  I wanna be. . .  ‘me’

 I felt better after our day together.  Thank you, I love you

Mental struggles, I have learned, are very hard.  Unless you have been there, people just don’t understand, that when you are suffering mentally, you feel – sad/lonely/angry/upset/hopeless/devastated. . . in despair and the despair for me has snowballed rapidly.   Do, I wanna feel this way?  No, I don’t.  But I can’t help it.  Post traumatic stress/Depression is an illness, it needs to be treated just like any other.  When we don’t feel well, like when we have a cold or the flu or we have a toothache, we go to the doctor/dentist.  We’re given medication, antibiotics.  How come we don’t do the same with anxiety or depression? 

Please remember;  Mental health is just as important

It is frustrating when people don’t understand how you feel.

Nov 9 – weekly progress

14 weeks post chemotherapy

I’m getting a teeny bit of a wave in the back.

Today was actually a good day.  Haven’t had one of those in so long.   It wasn’t great but it wasn’t horrible either.  I’ll take it.    Maybe my ‘friend time’ yesterday had a lot to do with it.  

I only have 3 more treatments to go!!  Next week, I’ll be completely done.  It’ll be all over.  The end to this Mother F*cking nightmare will be over.  I’m so glad I can almost say that. 

 Well, I am one week in to my medication. 

 I still don’t see or feel a difference.  I wonder if this will work for me?   Again, I am scouring the internet looking for answers.  Reading reviews to see if this med has been a success for people.   It’s crazy how all of this has had me hunger and obsess for info.   It’s the need to feel and want relief.   I just can ‘t imagine living my life with physical and mental pain.  I won’t last.  Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who constantly send me uplift verses or memes.   Unfortunately, it’s not enough to take away all the pain that my mind is suffering.  It only goes on like a bandaid for 2 seconds and then it’s ripped off again and I’m coming unglued.  Please Lord,  I know there’s a way to climb out of this.  I’m just not that strong, yet.   With some of the blogs that I have come across and almost all of the reviews I’ve read, it seems that it takes roughly 2 weeks for anyone to feel like it is working.   Well, that is exactly what the doctor told me.   I guess it’s true.  One more week to hopefully feel better.  Soon, I will be able to increase the dose.   You have to start off slowly to see how it is gonna make you feel.  after about a week and a half you can start to increase the dose.   I can almost do that. 

This is what my doctor prescribed me –  Sertraline 50 mg,

It helps with – PTSD, anxiety, depression, sleeping disorders, panic attacks and other ailments. 

As much as I couldn’t wait to get to the end of this journey, I never imagined I was gonna sink this low.  It never crossed my mind.   I’m not sure it crosses anyones mind, until they get to this point.  Why would it?  We (I) have so much to be thankful for.   I’m almost to the end.  Just a few more days.   I AM cancer free.  My margins are clear.  I made it through chemo and all the illnesses that came with it – loss of hair, horrible mouth sores, bad taste, bad eye site, weight loss, dry skin, kidney stones, shingles, neuropathy, you name it.   I made it through surgery – Wires, radioactive dye, partial mastectomy and lumpectomy (other side), lymph node dissection, anesthesia and all the pain afterwards.  I’m almost to the end of my last hurdle (radiation) and I’m surviving that.   So, why on earth would I feel so down and hopeless?  Crawling out of my skin and thoughts of ending my life?   I have so much to be happy about.  I should be at the top of the mountain shouting out at the top of my lungs, “I made it, I made it”.   I should be enjoying life and smiling from ear to ear, also saying, “no, no devil, not this time.  Even though you had a big hold on me,  You weren’t gonna win.”  Instead, I am lost, I’m confused. I feel detached.   I’m at the bottom of the pit.  Rock bottom.  On the dark side.   A place I had heard of many times but didn’t think existed.   A place that before this journey, I knew I would never be.  How could I?  I’m just too happy for that kind of a place.  Guess what?   I’m there.  I am at that place.  Yes, me, your high spirited, Strong, playful, joking, best positive attitude girl, is in that dark place.   Believe it.  It is true. 

You know what? Aside from no one ever talking about the painful physical after effects of chemo, for sure, no one talks about the mental and emotional side effects.  Everyone rallies around you through your journey.  They boost you up, so you have the strength and courage to fight.  They give you tons of love and support.  Saying, “you can do it.  You are brave, you’re a warrior.”  Why don’t we get the same support when we feel mental and emotional pain?  Why isn’t the love and support the same?  People believe that mental pain isn’t real.  That it is not an illness, that it’s a choice to feel that way.  So, instead of getting all that support, you almost get. . . . . bullied, mocked, frowned upon.  The love isn’t the same.  No one rallies around you.  No one gives you courage and strength to make it through THIS challenge.  The support isn’t there.   Here come the stupid ‘pep talks’,  “You’re too strong, why would you feel this way?,  This isn’t you.  You have so much to be grateful for.  You survived”.   It’s like, ‘yeah, I did survive.  But did you know that last week and the week before that,  I felt like slitting my wrists?,  I felt like ending my life and that wasn’t the first time.”  The cancer didn’t kill me, but my mind just might.  It’s a whole other battle.  I didn’t ask for this, just like I didn’t ask to get breast cancer.’   Love and support me the same.  Regardless of what kind of illness I may have. Mental pain hurts just as bad and it is just as deadly as cancer is.   

When a person begins their cancer journey, they DO tell you to talk with a therapist.  They encourage it, just like they do everything else.   They encourage it, but they don’t really tell you why.  They just say ‘it’s a good idea’. They don’t explain and say that you could possibly have a mental break when it is all said and done.  They just tell you ‘your cancer journey will be long’,  they don’t say that it continues mentally and emotionally. (hence the PTSD)  So, no, you are not really done with your journey when you finish your chemo.  It is not until the storm settles, that you are finally able to ‘feel and deal’ with what you have just been through.  To finally grasp and wrap your head around your diagnosis and treatment.  To finally see all the pieces of the scattered leaves (your life).   and how they are strewn about everywhere.  Do I let them blow away with the wind or do I gather them all up?   I don’t even have the strength to do that.  I am so detached.  From day 1 ( diagnosis) you ARE in a malicious whirlwind of doctors appt, chemo appts, everything, that you just don’t see til way later,  just how damaged and broken you really are.

To any and everyone who has ever suffered.  This is coming from the person ( me) that used to judge mental illness. 

I am so sorry

From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry that I ever judged you.  I’m sorry that I thought you were weak and not strong enough to overcome the feelings that you were having.    I’m sorry that I’M the one who questioned, “how can somebody feel like that?  How can someone let things get that bad?  Why would someone end their life?”  I can’t say it enough,  “I am sorry.”   I should’ve never questioned anyone’s actions.  I should’ve never put the blame on them.  I should’ve never thought, ‘it’s a choice, not an illness’.   When it IS most definitely an illness and it shouldn’t be over looked as being weak.   I should’ve never. . . . .   I just shouldn’t have.    I had no idea.  No idea at all, until I found myself walking in those same shoes.   I would’ve never known until I had to go through it myself.   I don’t wanna be in those shoes.  I don’t wanna wear them.  They hurt and they make my soul ache.   It’s a desperate ache.  An ache that wont go away.  Please help me to take these shoes off.  They’re very tight and they’ve left me blistered and bleeding.  I can’t walk in them anymore.  They’ve left me crawling.  It’s caused me so much pain. 

 It is so true when they say, ‘You don’t know what anyone is going through until you’ve been there yourself.”  I know now.  I understand now.  I get it.  Your soul hurts, your heart hurts, your mind hurts.  It just hurts, everything.  I know you have lots of people who love you, but you still feel alone.  Cuz, I do.  I’m not trying to shut anyone out, but I am.  I’m not trying to feel alone, but I feel all alone. I’m not trying to be lost and sad, but I am.   I’m not trying to end my life, but that’s what I feel will bring me peace.  I didn’t choose to feel this way, but I do.   I can’t control it and I know you can’t either.  But there is help, I just had to ask for it.  It’s hard to ask for help, I realize that.  I needed to ask for help, cuz I understand now, that all it takes is a strong moment of despair to end all things.  I was almost at that point.  The thoughts are over powering.  It’s like having your hands tied behind your back.   You are no longer in control of yourself.  The demons (thoughts) are. 

To the person(s) that found the despair to be too much –  It hurts me, deeply, that you took your life.  The feelings are profound.  I am so sad that it ended this way and sad for the people around you who loved you dearly.   I am sad for the promising life that was awaiting you, but I do understand that all you wanted was peace.   Cuz I want peace.   I yearn for it.   I pray for it.  I hope I find it.   I don’t take one day at a time anymore.  It has gotten to a point where it is one moment at a time.   Cuz from one moment to the next, is unpredictable. 

 I hope and I pray that you found peace. That peace that you so needed, even if it was in the worst way.  And I hope you know, You are loved. 

Please get help.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  I will NEVER judge your struggles ever again,

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

Depression

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://suicidehotlines.com/newmexico.html

Always check on your friends.   The happiest ones could be having the darkest feelings.  And. . . . don’t ever judge. 

 Nov 13 – 

This is my last week of radiation!!!!  One more day to go.  I can’t believe this time has come.  I’ve been waiting for this since February.  ONE MORE DAY!

Tomorrow is my last radiation!!  I get to ring my last and final bell

Hitting rock Bottom

I couldn’t get over the loss of our beloved furbaby, Riley. 

It hit me so hard, it broke me in a way that I couldn’t pick myself back up.  I cried for days on end.   It didn’t help that the day she went to kittie heaven was the anniversary that I lost my Mom. Sept 22.  Oh how I hate that day.   And of course, the circumstances surrounding the passing of Riley.  Let’s just say, I don’t know how to forgive my dogs, especially Honey.   I’m so sad and heartbroke.  I can’t look at her without crying my heart out.  She totally broke my heart.  Dealing with that, on top of everything else, and the anniversary of my Mama, was just too much for me. 

 I didn’t see it coming, but this was the beginning of my downward spiral.   It was an avalanche of pure pain and despair and I didn’t know if I was gonna pull through.  Something in me snapped, mentally, and it sent me spiraling into a dark, ugly world. 

Sept 25 – 

 My aches and pains haven’t subsided at all.   Everyday, it get worse and worse.   I have an appointment with my primary doctor at the end of the month to discuss all this pain and I can’t wait.  I have the pain meds that my oncologist gave me, but I just don’t want to take such a heavy medication all the time, even though it does help with the pain.  It doesn’t help me to sleep.   It seems like I’m taking pure caffiene.  It keeps me wide awake. 

Getting out of bed has become very hard.  My joints  and my bones hurt sooo bad.   Sitting in one spot for even just a little while, has become dreadful.  Everything hurts.  My feet, the bottoms of my feet, my heels, my knees, my back.   I. . just. . hurt. . everywhere.  It still hurts very much for me to grasp the steering wheel.  I’ve never had this kind of physical pain before.   Not even through the chemo.  So, why is this hitting me now??  I finished chemo 7 weeks ago.  What is going on??  I hope my primary has some answers for me.   

Sept. 28 –

It rained for 6 hours straight last night.  And as much as I LOVE the rain and cloudy days, it really brought me down.  This kind of weather never makes me feel this way, but this time it was horrible.  It made me soo sad. I couldn’t wait for the rain to go away.   I’ve tried my best to have good days, but I just miss my furbaby so much, and all this pain doesn’t help either.   I’ve cried everyday, but in public, I put on a happy face.  I’ve been getting these weird feelings at night when I’m trying to get some sleep.   Something washes over me.   I don’t know if its bits of anxiety or what.   But I don’t like how it feels and I’ve noticed it’s happening at night. 

 Tonight Dominic and I are having a dinner date with Clara Sue and her husband.   We are gonna cook at her house and make chicken fried steak..  mmmm.    Even though I love her company and can’t wait to hang out, there is a part of me that doesn’t wanna go.   Maybe I can get out of this funk.   This pain just makes it hard to enjoy anything. 

On a better note,  I took these pictures before we left.   This is the progress so far. 

8 weeks post chemotherapy

 Dinner was great and so was the company.  We decided to watch a movie.   The newest Transformers.   They had never seen it and we just bought it, so, it’s a movie night.   Getting comfortable was nearly impossible.  My joints are starting to lock up on me and the idea of sitting through a 2+ hour movie, brought me down.   I hid the misery of my pain, but tried to enjoy it the best that I could.   

Those feelings that I mentioned earlier, bubbled up to the surface during a cliff scene in the movie.   I don’t know why, but during this scene, feelings of dread just washed over me.  It actually gave me anxiety.   It felt like I was dangling from that cliff about to fall.  It was a horrible feeling that I couldnt get rid of.   I never feel like this during movies, EVER.   These are the same feelings that I’ve been feeling at night.  For some reason, this particular scene triggered those feelings.  It actually made me feel scared.   I don’t understand.  Why would I feel this way??  Over a movie?   Especially when you have your good friends and your son sitting next to you.   

After it was over, I couldn’t move from the chair that I was sitting on.  My body just felt like it locked up.  I didnt mention anything about the feelings I was having.   Forcing myself up, we got ready to leave.  On the drive home, those feelings would come and go.   Got home, got ready for bed and lying there, here they come again.   I feel so anxious. That uneasiness washed over me and I just had to cry.  I couldn’t even tell you why.  I don’t know what it is.  It’s something else other than sadness.    ? ? ? ? ? 

Sept 29 – Doctor visit –

Here with my primary discussing  all of my issues. I gained a pound!  Can you believe that?   She was shocked to learn all I had been through.  She checked me up and down.  On the surface, she couldn’t find a single thing wrong with me.  She had no idea what was causing me so much pain.  She suggested that it could be the barometric pressure.  There were lots of suggestions.   So, she ordered a ton of tests.  She’s sending me for xrays and blood tests, to make sure the chemo didn’t give me an onset of osteoarthiritis or fibromyalga, etc.  Also, she wants me to get an ultrasound on my thyroid and to come back in on Nov. 1st for a follow up.  She wants me to go to physical therapy, she does NOT like the idea of the percocet on a daily basis.   She also reminds me that I’ve had a rough year and that my body is trying to recondition itself.   Okay, I understand that.   But does it have to cause this kind of pain?   I was going to mention the feelings that I started having, but I figured it really wasn’t that important right now and they would go away soon enough.  I just want relief from it all and to be able to do things normally again.  

 I’ve been searching the internet looking for answers on all these after affects.   None of my doctors from my oncology team could explain how I feel, neither could my primary.   I know it’s not all in my head and I REALLY should be feeling better by now.    I’m going on 2 months post chemo.   What the hell???   Since no one can give me any answers up front, I’m going to try some natural stuff.  I found this online and from the reviews, it seems to work great.  ‘Joint care essentials’   I’m gonna give it a whirl and see if it helps me.  

I also started taking turmeric 2x a day.  I NEED relief!!!    I’m starting to get impatient with everything.  The cloudy, rainy weather that we’ve been having, really set into my bones.   

The shootings in Las Vegas hit me hard.   It got to me in a different way, as if I knew those people personally.   It added to my already somber/fragile state and I just sunk further into sadness.   I couldn’t watch the news, or read any magazines on the tragedy.   My heart and mind just couldnt handle it.  I cried and cried.   

Oct 4 – So much for a sunny day 😢 I feel so sad and blue 😔

I see both my oncologist and radiation oncologist on Oct. 5 and I start physical therapy on the 6th and do my ultrasound of my thyroid.   I already did my bloodwork and my xray on my knee.   So, we’ll see what happens.   Hopefully, I get some answers and something will help. 

 My weekly hair growth progress.   Oct. 4 –

9 weeks post chemotherapy  

The hair on my legs is growing back with a vengeance   😆  I hope my hair grows back that fast. 

This is my scar from my lymph node incision.   It doesn’t look bad.   It’s healing very nicely.   I still dont have feeling on the back side of my shoulder/armpit.  They said that would be normal and shouldn’t last that long. 

 

All of my labs came back normal.   That means all of this pain is still a mystery.  🤔

Oct. 5 –

Today I saw both of my doctors, Oncologist and radiation oncologist.  Everything looks good so far.   Neither one of them was able to explain to me the pain that I’ve been having.   They said it was very unusual.   I have a hard time understanding that.   How can it be unusual??   Your body is basically massacred for months.   How can a person just heal without any reprecussions from all that poison?   They really didn’t seem to care either.  I would get better.   

I asked my oncologist to extend my time off from work.   I’m due to go back on Nov 1, but with all this pain, there is just no way.  I need to be able to lift and grab things and right now, I just can’t.  He extended my time to Dec. 10.    Hopefully, I’ll be good to go by then.  

My radiation oncologist suggested 4 weeks of radiation, daily.   Even though I am basically cancer free, radiation is just another cautionary step.  If I have even the tiniest cell left lingering in there,  this would obliterate it.   I come in on the 10th to do my mapping, to get exact markings for radiation.   These visits will be quick and painless, maybe 10 minutes each.  Then I can truly say, “I am all done, It’s over!!”   

 Oct. 6 –

today I started physical therapy.   At first I was annoyed at the fact of therapy, but now that this pain has gotten to a chronic point, I can’t wait.   She was very nice.   She had me do a bunch of different motions.  My knees and my feet/ankles hurt the worst right now.   Also my hands/fingers.   It is still so hard for me to grasp anything, like my steering wheel or door knobs.   I explained to her all of my issues and all the pain.   She finally gave me an answer,  something I have been needing since August.  The chemo attacked the cartilage, soft tissues and the ligaments between my joints.  I have horrible tendonitis throughout my body and it’s going to take several months to get back to where I was pre-diagnosis.   She promised she would get me better.   

At this point, I’m just trying to get through each day the best that I can.  At least now I know where all this pain is coming from.   All of this has gotten me depressed, literally.  There are days I feel so down and just cry.  Nobody talked about the after effects.  So, I wasn’t expecting any of this.   I’ll go every week for physical therapy.  She gave me certain exercises to do at home regularly that are targeted to my most severe pain.   I really hope it helps.  I can’t see myself living the rest of my life in this kind of pain. It is soooo making me depressed.   I come back next week.    Today, I also went in to do my ultrasound on my thyroid.    Let’s see how those results come in.  

This week is balloon fiesta week and as much as I love this time, I’m hating it.   I can’t enjoy it at all.    I love this time of year but this year it has affected me so differently.  Fall is one of my favorite seasons.   The weather gets cooler.   It’s not so hot and dreadful.  But the changing of the season has me so down and sad, I don’t know why.   I feel it all over.  It’s not just in my mind.  I feel it in my bones, in my body.   All the rain that we’ve had lately brought me down as well.   It had me so sad.   I never feel that way.    I LOVE LOVE rain 🌧🌩💧  Not this time.  It made my heart ache 😔 I hate it.  I hate the rain.  I hate the changing of the season.  I hate it all.!!!!

What is wrong with me????  

Tonight I recieved a message from a good friend/customer that one of her high school friends had passed away.   From guess what?   Cancer, lung cancer.  It spread to her brain and to her liver and the treatment that she had been receiving wasn’t doing her any good anymore.   I didn’t know this lady, just knew of her struggles.    We had never met.   But I prayed for her as she did for me.  Our mutual friend would tell each of us about the other.  I had high hopes for her.   So, naturally it broke my heart.   Actually, it crushed it.   Again, I felt an overwhelming sadness as if I personally knew her.   I cried for her.   I cried my eyeballs out.  It felt as if I had lost a close friend.   Here I am crying over someone I had never met, just knew of.   My heart hurts.  I am soo sad 😢😢 

I’ve noticed I don’t handle stress very well anymore.  Earlier this week, I found a leak behind my Pops’ house.   I thought it was just a puddle from all that rain, cuz it’s shaded by the house.  My older brother told me it was a leak and there might be a busted pipe.  That house and everything that comes with it, is so old, I knew one day that was gonna happen.   It stressed me out to no end and I cried like if it was the end of the world.  I feel so broken. 

 Oct 10 –   

The morning weather has gotten chilly.  It was 36* this morning when I walked with Dominic to the bus stop.  As much as I’ve been wanting cooler weather, I hate the cold. 

 Today I go in for my mapping to start radiation.   They have to make a mold that I will just lie in every time I come in.   That way I just get in it, they line me up, I get radiation and that’s it.   

Well, this is how my mold (above) turned out annnnnd (below) these are all my markings.   They put tape over them so they don’t have to keep marking me over and over.   I am not allowed to peel them off or wash them off in the shower.  And I’m not allowed to swim or soak in the tub.  They have to stay on til I’m done.  

I start radiation next week on the 18th, daily until Nov 14.   I. am. almost. there.   A little over a month to go.  My very last hurdle.  

Everyday my lymph node scar looks better n better.  I still don’t have any feeling in that area, but at least my arm motion is getting better.   Since I was taking pictures of my markings and scars, I also took this one.  This is what is left from when I had shingles.  I guess this is how they’re gonna stay looking.  It’s been 4 months. 

It doesn’t hurt anymore but it is tender and the skin is very dry.   Sometimes it’s very itchy.   

Red lips – just because

I got the results back from the xray on my knee.   No arthritis or any other issues.   I’ve been taking those natural supplements faithfully.   Haven’t noticed any difference yet.  Thank God for the percocet.   As much as I don’t like taking it.   It is the only way for me to get relief and to be able to do things and function like a normal person.  I take them twice a day.   That seems to be good enough.   I try not to take the 2nd one so late in the day because it keeps me wide awake and I already have enough trouble getting some sleep. 

 Oct 12 – my weekly progress

10 weeks post chemotherapy 

my hair is getting a little bit of a wave in the back and LOOK at my eyelashes!!   They are finally ALL back and look great!!  I’m excited about that!

The saying on my shirt just about sums it up –  ‘The struggle is real’

Friday the 13th –

physical therapy day.  We did different motions today.   My fingers feel a little bit better.  My knees and the bottoms of my feet still need some work.   I come back again next week.   I really want to do water therapy.   I still believe that is the best kind.  But because of all my markings and tape,  I won’t be able to. 😔

  Today is the luncheon for my years of service with my company.  So many years! Wow!  Dominic is going to be my date.   Lately, I’ve been forcing myself to do things and coming to the luncheon was one of them.   I want to do things, but more and more it feels like a struggle.  I want to be around people but at the same time, I want to be alone.   Maybe seeing all of my work family will be good for me. 

 I had a hard time enjoying myself and of course I put on that poker face for everyone to see the ‘happy me’.  I’m not really happy, at all.  I’ve been sad and down for a while now.   I caught up with an old work friend.  We talked for a while.   He asked how I was doing.  A part of me was trying to tell him how I was really feeling, but he just couldn’t get what I was trying to say.  Everyone says I’ve had a hard year and what I’m feeling is normal.  But it’s way more than just having a hard year.  I don’t feel right.  I don’t feel like me.  They just don’t understand. 

When we got home, I went to my room and cried.   I cried because of this overwhelming sadness I just can’t seem to shake.   I started getting those feelings of dread more and more.  They quickly come on without warning.  It brings horrible thoughts to my mind.   I started to wonder if I wasn’t really going through some sort of depression.  I mentioned this to one of my Aunties, my dreadful feelings and she explained it the best way that I couldn’t. 

 Feelings of impending doom.   

YES!!   That’s exactly what I’ve been feeling.   She hit the nail right on the head.  Yes, thats what I’m feeling.   Straight up DREAD, doom.   I have cried every single day.   Some days more than others and I can’t tell you why I’m even crying.  I hope that whatever this is, is only temporary.   I don’t like feeling this way. 

 Oct 14 –

ugh, today I feel super nauseous 🤢 🤮  but that’s my fault.  I took a pain reliever on an empty stomach.   I know better than that.  I don’t feel so great. 

 My anxiety has me cleaning like a mad woman.     

I’ve had this ache in my heart, this void, ever since losing Riley.  I’ve been entertaining the thought of getting another kitten.  Not to replace Riley, but to fill this void that I have.  

The weekend was hard for me 😔 Everyday gets worse and worse.  I have never had death on my mind as much as I do now.   That dread is starting to eat away at me.  Add anxiety to all of that and you have a horrible mix.   

Oct. 16 –

I inquired about a kitten that needed a new home.  They couldn’t keep her anymore for whatever reason.  So, I made plans to go see her, to see if she liked me.   I immediately fell in love the moment I set eyes on her.   I brought her home.  I think it was meant to be.   She blended right in.  I named her Zoe, she is an 8 week old tortoiseshell.  She’s adorable.  Already, my spirits were lifted. 

I think she is just what I need for my heart and soul.   I think she will bring me out of this funk and be good for me.  I already love her to pieces.   ‘Don’t be mad Riley.     I will always love you.   Forever my furbaby’ 

Oct 17 – 

Zoe settled into our home as if it had been her home since birth.   She lifted my mood so much, I figured things were going to be okay.  I hadn’t cried since I got her.  Yes, things will be okay.  I got this.   

Tomorrow I start radiation.   I just have 4 weeks left of treatment and I’ll be home free.  It’ll all be over.  I was starting to feel happy.   Then sadness hit me once again.   I learned that a fellow worker, someone I had never met, but knew of,  had passed.  He was very young.   He took his own life.  He had children and what seemed to be a happy life.  My heart and mind couldn’t handle this news.   It hurt me so much and I didn’t even know him.  I was sad for the life he won’t get to live.  I was sad for his children.  Oh how this hurts me.  Why does it hurt me so much?  People that I’m not even connected to, I cry for.  I sunk into an awful place.   A place I had never been.  A place that I had started sinking into weeks ago. 

 Oct 18 –

1st round of radiation.  It was a breeze.    I was in and out in about 15 minutes.  It was so quick, but very high amounts of radiation.   When I left, it didn’t even seem like anything was done.  It didn’t hurt at all and it was nothing like chemo.  Let’s see how I feel later. 

 As much as I tried, sadness still lurked around me.  I couldn’t get over the tragic news from yesterday.   I still had that on my mind when another close/coworker friend told me that her father had passed.  Oh my goodness!!    I REALLY can’t handle this.  All of this hurts me sooo much.   😭😢😭😢   I’m crying my heart out AGAIN

Oct 19 – 

2nd round of radiation over and done with.   Today it was much quicker.   And here is my weekly progress.  

11 weeks post chemotherapy

I didn’t realize just how fragile my mental state was. 

I’ve always been the perky, happy person.   My mental state was just shattered and everyday I spiraled a little more into that dark abyss.  I hadn’t paid attention until I noticed, I don’t go outside anymore.   I come home after walking with Dominic and crawl back into bed.  I spend my whole day there and when he comes home, I force myself out of bed as if everything is okay.   I don’t sit on my swing, I don’t hear the birds sing or feel the sun shine.  I don’t listen to music.  I don’t feel the breeze on  my face or the sunlight.  All the things that used to bring me so much joy, don’t anymore. 

Meeeee NOT enjoying being outside,  IS UNHEARD OF!!

A lot of the times, I sit in my bathroom and cry.   That’s my crying spot.  My heart feels heavy and empty and the sadness echoes.   For the past few weeks, I’ve been asking myself if maybe I am depressed, but that little voice inside tells me,  “nah, you’re too strong for that shit!”   That other voice says, “yes you are Sue, you ARE depressed.”   

I don’t enjoy anything anymore and I just waste my days away.   There are so many things that I could be doing, but I do nothing.   The thoughts that have invaded my mind are scary.   Death has been on my mind a lot.  Yes, you heard me.   The always happy person has been  having thoughts of death.  Something that I never used to think about.   My mind is in turmoil.   I can’t control the thoughts that I’ve been having.  The dread is overwhelming.  I try and talk myself down, like give myself therapy.   For a moment it works, then, there they are again. 

 During the week, I can’t wait for Dominic to get home from school.  Usually when he’s here, everything seems okay.  When he’s at school, I fall apart.  Anxiety hits me sooo bad.   I don’t wanna be alone, but at the same time, I don’t wanna be with anyone.   I can’t have a conversation over a text message if someone is asking how I’m doing, without crying.  I just come undone.  I put on a happy face, cuz I don’t want my son to worry. 

 On the outside, you could never tell, but on the inside, I’m screaming at the top of my lungs.  Why can’t anyone hear that??  Why can’t anyone see that I’m falling apart?   I’m almost positive I have some form of depression.  I just can’t shake these feelings.  I think Im finally dealing with everything that I’ve been through the past 8 months. It is all hitting me now.   My physical pain hasn’t gotten any better, but I get up every day and push through it.  This sadness and feeling blue, is horrible.  I think I need a happy pill just to get me over the hump.  I can’t wait to see my doctor.  I’m seriously thinking of asking for something mild.  I’m just not happy and that’s not me at all.   This mental pain is the worst. 

I had my 3rd visit with my physical therapist.   Some of my joints feel a tad bit better.  I don’t hurt so much from my knees anymore.  But I have the pain everywhere else.  Emotionally, I feel a little more broken everyday.  I think I’m just overwhelmed and tired of it all.   I don’t feel like that strong person anymore.  I need a break.  I need a break from life.  I need a serious meltdown.   

After I was done with physical therapy, she mentioned that she would like to put me in a program to help get my physical ability and strength back.   It’s a program designated for cancer patients.  It’s called ‘Strive’.   It’s a 6 week program that she thinks will be good for me.  She is insistant about it, but my heart sinks at this suggestion.   I don’t want to do this, not now.  I’ve had appointments shoved up my ass since February.  I still have radiation everyday.   I don’t want more appointments.  I just wanna be done.   I know she’s trying to help me, I just don’t wanna do this.  I walked out of there in tears and cried all the way to my radiation appt.   I can’t do this anymore. 

Things are getting so much worse.  Today, I feel like slitting my wrists’.   

That thought has crossed my mind soooo many times.   It’s a good thing that I don’t own a gun, I would have already shot myself.    My heart wants to do so many things, but my mind doesn’t let me.   I’m trapped in my mind, lost.  It’s a Prison.  What a horrible place to be.   It’s so dark, lonely and scary.   I have no doubt, I’ve hit rock bottom, face first.  The dreadful thoughts in my mind don’t go away and I can’t control them.  I don’t know how to pick myself back up.  I don’t know how to get better.   I don’t think that I would ever hurt myself, but my mind has definitely turned into an evil place.   I feel stuck there.   I wanna be taken out of my misery, but then I think of Dominic and how much it would hurt him if I wasn’t here.  How can I be having these thoughts??  it is not like me, AT ALL!!  I sit in my bathroom in tears, asking God, no – begging him to help me.   To help me get through the day, to keep me from doing something stupid.  “Please help me!!”  I don’t know what’s happening. 

I reached out to a friend.   To the one friend that I would always reach out to in the beginning.  I called.   We text all the time, but we don’t ever talk on the phone.   I needed to talk.  I needed someone, I needed HER.   So, I called.   Thinking that she would be there for me, like she has always said,  she blew me off.   I didn’t even get the chance to tell her why I was calling.  She had to go, she couldn’t talk right now.   I was beside myself, going out of my mind.  I needed her help and she wasn’t there.  This added to my already broken mind. 

 Today was so very hard, mentally.   

My mind was playing so many tricks on me, it scared me.  It scared me to a point that I needed someone to come stay with me, even though Dominic was here.   It’s Sunday, so I tried to occupy myself with football.  There’s football all day and our team is playing.   My mind wouldn’t let me enjoy it.  My mind had me crawling out of my own skin.  I had anxiety soo bad that my body was shaking with an uncontrolled nervousness.   Mix that with what I think is depression and you have one bad equation. 

The bad thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone.   My mind started telling me that what I had (life) wasn’t real.  My home wasn’t real, my job, having a son.  It was all make believe.  I was making it all up and living a life of make believe.   My family photos on my picture wall wasn’t real, I’m making that up.  My mind said that everything around me wasn’t real.  It scared me so bad that I didn’t wanna be alone.  I wanted Dominic to be right there by my side but I also didn’t want him to see how much I was struggling.  I want this to end.   Once again, it’s a good thing I don’t own a gun.   The despair was off the freakin’ charts.

I started telling some of my friends that I was feeling very down, maybe depressed.   Everyone says that I’ll be fine, I’ve had it rough.   Why is it that no one believes you when you’re trying to tell them maybe you’re depressed, literally?  Why do they think it’s just a word to throw around?  Like it’s a bad word or that you’re too strong of a person to be feeling this way? 

Thoughts of slitting my wrists’ invade my mind 10fold. 

 I started to get a burn on my skin from the radiation and it feels tingly.   It looks like a sunburn.   I’ve already done a week of radiation.  3 more weeks to go.

“God, please help me.  Can you hear me?  I need your help!!”  I am silently screaming at the top of my lungs.    Why can’t anyone hear me? 

Oct 26 –

Today I forced myself to get out of the house.  I made plans to do my hair.  My first haircut and I’m putting a wash out color in it.  Something gentle, cuz I have baby fine hair.   I don’t like the color that it’s coming out. 

My 1st haircut and color post chemotherapy

My hairstylist, Nicole, whom I’ve had for years, suggested to rub rogaine ( for women) in my hair.   It stimulates the hair follicles to encourage them to grow.  I have also been taking biotin.   That too helps.  I loved the way it came out.  I’ve missed having reddish brown hair. 

12 weeks post chemotherapy

You can tell in these pictures that I’ve been crying.  My eyes are all red and I look so sad.  That’s because I am.  I’m not happy at all.  Even though I got my 1st haircut and put a bit of color in it.  I’m still as depressed as ever.   I cried on the way home and cried when I got home.   Today is gonna be a long day.   Dominic goes to his after school program, so I’ll be alone til almost 5.   It’s one of those days where I feel like crawling out of my skin cuz the anxiety is on overload and again I feel like slitting my wrists’.    That thought crosses my mind soo much, it scares me.   It’s on my mind, ALWAYS.  I was going out of my mind and thoughts of death wouldn’t leave me,  I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to reach out to someone, before I really did cut myself.  I needed to talk and needed someone to listen.  I NEEDED someone to be there!!   I sent out a text to my friend who I had tried calling just the other day but couldn’t talk.  “I feel like humpty dumpty,  I feel soooo broken”.  While I was waiting for her to respond, I reached out to a couple other friends.   I needed SOMEONE!

   “I’m having a hard time mentally, my mind turned to mush, please tell me it’s gonna get better”.   “I feel like humpty dumpty,  I feel soooo broken”   Out of all the friends I reached out to, all but one responded.   And the one that didn’t respond was the one I needed to talk to.  I needed her.   I needed her to be there for me.  She had always been so comforting.  I never heard from her.  So, I gave up reaching out to her.

What if I would’ve slit my wrists that day?  What if I would’ve taken my life?  I needed her and she wasn’t there, again.   Another part of me broke and sunk in further.  It almost threw me over the edge.  But thank goodness for the others.  Thank goodness for Christine and Tammy and Becky and Diana and Celina.   Thank you for listening, for you kept me from doing the unthinkable.   

Tammy had warned me of this way back in the beginning.   Did I listen?  Nope.   She kept telling me to take care of my mental health and I thought I was too strong of a person for that.   Now look at me.  I have dreadful thoughts and barely come out of my house.  It hit me, like she said it would and it hit me hard.   I have never felt this low in my life, EVER.   I never knew depression hurt this bad.   I would much rather deal with physical pain any day than to suffer mentally and be lost and trapped in my mind.   It’s the hardest thing and I thought chemo was hard.    They each gave me words of encouragement.    Diana sent me this – 

Oct 28 – Breast cancer walk. 

 My heart has been looking forward to this day, my mind isn’t.  Today I really had to force myself.    I made it through the past few days.   Today is important for me.  In the past I have always done these walks, to bring awareness.   Today, I’m walking for myself.  I am also walking for my fellow fighters and survivors and the ones who couldn’t make it.   Thank you to my crusaders for walking with me today and being with me along this journey.   It is almost over.   Today I walk as a survivor!!  I wore the ‘HOPE’ necklace that was given to me on my 1st day of chemo from another survivor.  

Despite all of my physical pain, especially in my knees and feet, I completed the whole walk.  Towards the end I amost couldn’t continue, but I made it.  What an amazing event.   So many people participate, it’s awesome.   In some pics, I look happy.   Guess what?  I’m not.

Today is also my son’s birthday.  He turns 14.  This morning was for me, the rest of the day is for him.   We all got together and went out to eat.  It was a good day, but I’m still so sad on the inside.

Oct. 29 – 

Today I really paid for it.  The walk from yesterday had my WHOLE body aching.  It was so hard for me to just walk.   All I did was lay around the house. 

 Oct 30 –

Today has been the best that I have felt since finishing chemo.  That was 3 months ago already.   I almost feel normal.  I hope that it continues and wasn’t just a one time deal. 

 I see my doctor on the 1st.   I can’t flippin’ wait.  I’m gonna spill out everything and see what she tells me.   I KNOW something is wrong with me.  I just don’t feel right mentally.   One day  of feeling good, doesn’t make up for all the days I’ve felt crummy.

 10 more radiation left!!!!  

I’m having another rough day.   Everything is just wearing on me.  I have so much to be happy  about, yet I feel so down.  I  can’t seem to enjoy anything.   I’m just having a hard time.   I don’t have the urge or the motivation to do anything.   Still, I waste my days away in bed.   Thinking about everything that needs to be done, but feeling like a prisoner in my own body.   I’m so stuck in a horrible place.   I don’t know how I managed to get here.   

I stopped taking the percocet for my pain.   I’ve been researching the symptoms and read that one of the side effects was depression.  So for that reason, I stopped.  I’ve been in a hella pain, but something is causing me to spiral downward and fast, I don’t know what it is.  So, I’m forcing myself to get through each day without pain meds.   It’s a battle.   ALL of this is a battle.   

 Radiation has been a piece of cake.  I have a huge skin burn, so I started rubbing some ointment on the whole area.   It’s getting sensitive.  Nov 14th and I’ll be done.   You’re almost there Sue!! 

 Nov 1 –  Today I finally see my primary doctor. 

I thought this appointment would never get here.   I hope she can point me in the right direction or give me something that’ll help me feel better.   I told her EVERYTHING!!   I told her I was feeling this way the last time that I saw her but I thought it was something that would go away.   I let it go on too long.  I bawled in her office talking about how low I’ve been feeling.  She was sooo understanding and comforting.   She sat and talked with me.  I told her how much things or events hurt me.  Tragedies of people that I’m not even connected to, just unravel my soul.   I’m in such a dark place and the past 6 weeks have been brutal on my mental health.  I told her about all the dread and the many thoughts of death.  Wanting to slit my wrists’ most days.   I knew something was way wrong.  I AM suffering.  She diagnosed me with post traumatic stress and depression.   She was going to set me up with a therapist, but I didn’t want to wait the month that it was going to take to get me in.   I was so bad, that I felt I wasn’t gonna last if I had to wait that long.  So, instead, I asked her to put me on a medication and she did.   She prescribed me Sertraline 50 mg.   I need to take it everyday.    She’s gotten good, positive feedback on this medication and she believes it will really help me. 

Other than the chemo attacking my body, the depression is also a culprit for my physical pain.   I never thought depression could make your body hurt so bad.   She said she was gonna work on getting me back to ‘me’.   I sure hope she does.  She said it was gonna take about 2 weeks for the medication to build up in my system and feel like it’s working.   So, there is a good chance that I’ll feel worse before it gets better.  That thought alone scares me. 

 I filled that prescription as soon as I got it and popped one in my mouth as soon as I got home.  I can’t continue feeling this way.  It’ll cause me to end my life.  Seriously.  The voices in my mind are overwhelming and pure evil.  Demons.  Satan.  The mental agony is beyond my control.   The depths of this black hole are frightening and the pain ricochets and echoes with an unforgiving loneliness in my soul.   Mental pain is BY FAR my most worst experience.  I hope I make it through.  I am hanging on by a thread and I feel like it’s about to break.   Lord help me to hang on.  

 

 “Lord, please help me.  Please save me.  I am soo lost.  Please get me through this” 😭

DEPRESSION HURTS soooo BAD 😢😔😭

Falling Apart

Sept 1 – Surgery Day, afternoon – 

My eyes fluttered open to a nurse shoving ice chips in my mouth.   

I was so out of it. How I had the ability to chew and swallow them was amazing.  Things were so out of focus and my eyes were still heavy.   He was talking to me, but what he said, I couldn’t even tell you.   He was speaking to deaf ears.  I was in the recovery room.   hmmm, surgery must already be over.   He continued to give me ice chips.   They tasted good,  soothing.  No one else was in there with us.   Where is Clara Sue?   Where is my brother?   I’m sooo sleepy.   I started to slowly comprehend the things that he was telling me.   Surgery went well.  As I started to come out of it more and fully wake up, I was hit with an enormous amount of pain.   It felt like I was catapulted right into a brick wall at full speed.

The pain set in horribly.   I hurt sooo bad.   I guess the anesthesia wore off.   Here come the shakes.   When I’m in a lot of pain, my body starts to shake.   My chest was wrapped so tightly it felt hard to breathe.   They put me in like this tube top with velcro and they had it as tight as it would go.   The nurse asked if I would like some pain medicine.   Yes!!   Of course.    He gave me 2 vicodin.   It was 3:30.   He went out to get Clara Sue, she can sit in here with me now. 

 O-EM-GEEEEEE!!!   The pain is off the charts.   The nurse brings her in.   She can tell I’m in a ton of pain, she doesn’t say a word.  She sits in the chair next to my bed.   My shakes are horrible.    I feel like hell.  Most of my wires were already disconnected and the massaging leg warmers were off.   Just my vitals were being checked regularly.   About another hour and maybe I’ll get to go home, as long as I’m feeling okay. 

 I was able to talk without sounding like I was blabbering.   I asked Clara Sue to check on Dominic, to make sure he is okay.   He is already out of school by now and I’m not home yet.   I don’t want him to worry.  The surgeon comes in and explains to us that everything went very well.  She was pleased.  She got EVERYTHING out!   She also explained that she was able to pull out my chest port thru one of the incisions, so I didn’t need that 4th surgery.   Thank God.    I’m gonna look like Edward Scissorhands got a hold of me.   My chest will need to stay tightly wrapped (compressed) for the next few days.  This will help with any pain and discomfort.   She wrote me out a prescription for a pain killer for when I get discharged.   Another medication to add to my growing personal pharmacy. 

 I’m ready to leave, I’ve had a long day. 

 I look at my cell phone, wow, I have a lot of messages.   I need to call Dominic, so he knows that I’m okay.  My brother Jake couldn’t make it, he got stuck in Santa Rosa 😦 

 4:08p –  still in recovery and lots of pain. 

The ice chips help.  I think I’m finally coherent.  I’ll get to leave soon, as long as I am able to stand on my own.   I change back into my clothes.  That took me like forever.   Being wrapped and bandaged made it a little rough.   Right now you can’t see anything, it’s all hidden behind the dressings.   That pain hasn’t subsided, but I wanna leave already. 

 5:00p – getting discharged.  Going home now.   

Pain is horrible. 😖  I still feel pretty loopy 😩 I needed help getting into the car.   I felt so dizzy.   I’m so glad this part is over.   Now to rest and recover.   I’m starving, I need something to eat.   It’s dinnertime and I haven’t even had breakfast.  Clara Sue stops to get me a sandwich from Arby’s.   Now headed home.   

Oh gosh, here comes the nausea.   This always happens to me with anesthesia.   I need to throw up. 🤢  My head starts pounding.  I feel like shit.  We’re almost home. 

 I asked Brittany to come stay with me the rest of the evening, just in case I needed some help with anything.   So she showed up shortly after we got there.  I needed help to get out of the car and to walk inside.   I was swaying like a drunk person.   As soon as I walked in the door, I had to high tail it to the bathroom to blow chunks.  😝 It never fails.  My stomach was so upset, but I felt so much better once I got all that shit out of my system.   What a relief.    I just have pain and lots of it.    Guess I’ll eat my samich, the pain meds might work better with something in my stomach. 

 Clara Sue left and I just hung around with Brittany, watched a movie and rested.  My nephew, Yaz, came to keep Dominic company.   By around 8 ‘clock, I felt so much better.   All that loopiness went away.  I no longer felt nauseas and I was back to my joking self.   

Later in the night, I felt Brittany didn’t need to stay over, so she left and so did my nephew.  I’m sooooo ready for bed.  My day has been way too long.  Trying to change into jammies was like a marathon, but I did it.   Trying to get comfortable and get some sleep was even harder.    Couldn’t sleep on my right because of surgery, couldn’t sleep on my left side for the same reason, I couldn’t even sleep on my tummy and laying on my back is not comfortable.  I couldnt sleep for the life of me.   The surgery meds along with my 80’s like velcro tube top that looked like it was sprayed on, made it impossible to sleep.   I was wide awake, but without pain. 

 Next morning – 

I woke up feeling pretty good, even though I got no sleep.   But as far as how I felt physically, not bad at all.   I didn’t have to take any pain meds, so I guess I’m handling it like a champ.  I’m just a tad bit sore.  I decided to finally make my brother some cookies.   The ones I was going to make him for his birthday, but I never did, due to all the physical pain I had been in.  Not even a whole day out of surgery and here I am baking cookies.  Sounds just like me. 

So far, all that pain that I had been complaining about for like the past month was gone.  I hope it’s gone forever.   Honestly, I felt pretty good.  Today was a good day. 

 Sept. 3 – 

Well, it is safe to say that all of my eyebrows and eyelashes have faithfully departed 😦  It makes my eyes always look red and if I’ve been crying non stop.  Like my hair, I can’t wait for it all to grow back.   I’ve even missed my nose hairs.  My nostrils always feel raw.  Oh the joys of being a cancer patient. 

 As for day 2 post surgery –

1.  I actually slept pretty good, I needed that. 

2.  holy hell, I don’t think I have ever been so sore in my life. 

 I can’t move at all.   My boobs feel like I have a set of rocks.   The range of motion for my arms is minimal.  Today is for sure a yucky day.   Out of curiosity, I unwrapped myself from my oh so sexy tube top to inspect my girls.    Ouch I look like I’ve been beat up and mutilated.  

I have to leave the bandages on for a few more days.   The stitches will dissolve on their own.   The bandage under my armpit is my lymph node incision.  Round 2 all over with.   Just need to complete the 3rd hurdle (radiation)  and I’ll be home free.

  For now I get to deal with all this soreness and boobs that feel like rocks. 

 I never did believe in chemo brain until I got my dose of it.   It’s horrible.   I can’t remember something you just told me 5 minutes ago.  Staying focused and even concentrating is getting hard.    It seems like my mind is always blank.  Especially when I’m asked something quickly.  It’s like “huh?”    I hope the brain recovers with everything else.   I don’t need to be spacey all the time. 

 Well, I guess I get to take it easy for the rest of Sept.   I have a follow up with the surgeon on the 11th and that’s all.   So, it’s R & R and see if I can slowly get to ‘me’.   I haven’t been bothered by my aches and pains, so maybe the surgery had something to do with that.   Who knows.  I hope they don’t return.   Now, I just have to wait 4-6 weeks before I can start radiation and then I can truly say this nightmare is over.    Can’t wait.    2 hurdles down, 1 more to go.   

Sept 4 – 

This pic is 1 month and 1 day post chemotherapy.     

If you look closely, you can see my fuzzies growing.  It makes my face look chubby, not having any hair.   I will try my best to post weekly pics of the growth progress.   As you can see my eyelashes are GONE  and so are my eyebrows.   These ones are drawn in and I hate them.  I think they’re lop-sided haha.   So glad it’s only temporary.   Today my boobs are still swollen and they feel heavy.   But each day that goes by, is another day closer to feeling better. 

 Sept 8 –

I don’t know what came over me, but I have really been missing my Pops terribly these past few days. 😢  I have cried nonstop for like 3 days straight 😭 It’s like I’ve lost him all over again.   I miss him so much.   The sadness is overwhelming.   I think everything is throwing my emotions for a loop.  I can’t stop crying.   I just need a hug from you and to hear your voice again.   I feel like I’m falling apart.  My heart is broken. 💔 He was my best friend and I miss him dearly.   

My cousin Irene brought me these and hooked them up for me.   She knows that I’ve been feeling down and figured it would cheer me up.   It did.   It’s so soothing, the way they flicker and dance around.   I just sit or lay on my swing and watch them.   It’s relaxing.   She also hooked me up some outdoor misters that way I can stay cool when I’m out on the swing.   They feel wonderful.   Ahhhhhh     All this eases my sad heart a bit

 I hate that I can’t get in the pool.   I need to wait for my incisions to heal.   The one incision under my armpit gives me the most grief.   I don’t have any pain, but I really am sore.   I miss relaxing in the pool.   At least my niece and my son get to enjoy it.   It is really hot and my hot flashes are still severe.  I wonder when those will go away?    They have been so brutal.   I thought they would be gone by now.  I can’t wait for cooler weather. 

Sept 9 – 

*GASP*  my eyebrows are growing back and I think I spot a hint of tiny eyelashes.   Yay!!!!!!!!   This is so exciting, you don’t even know.   

Well, my physical aches and pains are back and they are horrible!   When will all of this end?  I see my primary Dr at the end of the month.   Maybe she can tell me what’s going on with me.   On a better note, my energy is slowly starting to come back and I don’t feel that fatigue like before.   Still, even now,  there is good and there is bad.   Can’t wait till there is more good than bad. 

 Sept 11 – 

I just got the best news EVER!!!!!!!!   Got that phone call from my surgeon.   All of my margins are free and clear.   Thank you Jesus!   No more cancer!   It IS all gone!!!! 😄😄   Wow what a relief.  I just needed to cry, cry tears of joy.   She sent in like 12 different tissue samples from my surgery and all came back negative.   Oh I can’t explain what I’m feeling right now.    I can officially say I’m free and clear,  but I want to wait until radiation is over and done with.   Radiation is just a precaution.   YAY!!!!!!!!!    I.AM.SOOOOOOOOO.HAPPY!!!!!!!! 😄🤗     I slowly started to let everyone know.   Maybe now everything will fall back into place.   Maybe I’ll feel better knowing I don’t have that monster in me anymore.   Maybe this will be the day that things turn around for me.   I sure hope so.   

  I slacked off last week with a pic, but here’s this one.  Look at my hair!  Its growing, but it is soooo dull looking.  I actually have a hairline!  OMG  and look. . . . I have eyebrows and itty bitty lashes.  I look gross, cuz this is the plain ole me, but I can’t tell you how excited I am.   Oh the little things you don’t ever think about until you don’t have them.   I’m so happy to have eyebrows  haha

Having no hair still makes my face look chubby

Sept 19 – A hairline and eyebrows! 

Sept 22 – 

fuller eyebrows and more lashes.  I can actually get a bit of mascara on them 🙂    This is just 3 days from the last pic.  My hair is growing in so dull, gross.  Guess my hair wont be dark brown anymore.   I think I need a date with L’oreal soon.    They did say that hair grows back very different from before.  Can’t tell yet if my hair will still be curly or if it will come in straight or wavy.   I’ve heard many different stories on the regrowth of hair.   Who cares?   As long as I have some!!! 

This is my new hairbrush.   Its cute, isn’t it? 

 Can you believe it’s been 7 months since my diagnosis?   Yes 7.   I can’t believe it.   I can’t believe everything I’ve been through.   I have the scars and all the pain, but it still just doesn’t seem real.   I guess you never know how you’re going to handle things until you’re faced with it. 

I can do this. 

Things were going so well. . .  and then we lost our beloved furbaby, Riley.   

This broke me.   I’ve been trying to stay strong for so long, but this broke me.   It shattered my heart.   My mental strength turned into pure mush.    What’s happening??   I cry ALL THE TIME.    

I’m falling apart at the seams. . . slipping away

Wired and Radioactive

I love having this time with my son.  We walk to the bus stop together in the morning and walk again in the afternoon when he gets out.   It’s good exercise for me.   My doctors told me that walking would be good, but not to go too far, in case I didn’t have the energy to walk back.   This walk isn’t so bad.  Actually it’s just right for me right now.  The only thing is, that with the way my knees and other parts have been hurting, the morning walk is difficult.   I thought all of this would have passed by now.   I’m going on 3 weeks post-chemotherapy.  I had it in my head that once I was done, my energy and everything else was just gonna float back up like a balloon 🎈 and all would go back to normal.   But it hasn’t.  I’m waiting patiently. 

 Everyday my body seems to hurt more and more.  Now it’s not just my knees.  It’s traveling down to my ankles and the bottoms of my feet.  My hands still hurt, my knuckles, when I bend them or make a fist.    I thought it was soreness from the yard work I had done, but it must be something else, cuz it should have gotten better by  now.   Honestly, I think my body is just going through withdrawals.  Withdrawals from all that garbage and the medications that I was on.   I’ve been on so much stuff since all of this started, I can truly say, I have my own pharmacy.   I was taking meds everyday, all day and some every week and once chemo ended, so did about 8 medications, including the steroids.  Just like that, it all stopped.   It’s like quitting something cold turkey.   I think my body is having a hard time adjusting to that.   I’m not complaining, let me tell you, it’s great not having to take so many meds, but my body is having a hard time.   That’s the conclusion I’ve come up with for all these aches and pains.  What else could it be?? 

Today I decided to give myself a haircut ✂.   It’s not like I actually have hair, but I do have fuzzies.    Sooo,   I gave myself a buzz with the clippies.   I want it to grow out evenly and strong.  When you haven’t had hair in so long it was almost hard to buzz some of it off.  But I figured I better do this now cuz once it really starts to grow, I’m not gonna want to cut any of it off.   

Aug. 24 –

Today is exactly 3 weeks that I have finished chemo.  Wow!  How quickly that went.   I remember marking the days off the calendar to get to the end of chemo and here I am, 3 weeks later.   It’s hard to believe.   Where is the time going? Oh well, I look at it this way, everyday that passes is another day that I am closer to feeling like my old self again.  Can’t wait. 

 Well, today I have an appointment.   I have an MRI that I need to have done.   Before I have surgery, the areas involved need to have clear markers and measurements.  That way my surgeon knows exactly where to cut.   So, I’m here to do that.   She had explained to me on Monday that when the exact measurements are taken, they will use those to put the wires. 

WIRES!!!!! 😱   In my breasts???? 😧   What the hell?!?!?! 

https://www.insideradiology.com.au/breast-hookwire-localisation/

  I will have wires inserted to the markers (titanium clips).  This indicates the exact area she needs to do surgery on.   They are long wires that will be inserted into the breast on the outer part to meet up with the clip.  They will be left sticking out when I show up for surgery.  😨  *sigh*  oh the shit I’ve been through and the shit I still need to go through. 

 And that’s not all. 

 I will need a radioactive dye administered as well.  This will ‘light up’ my lymph nodes that are going to be removed.   I guess.  Let’s get this MRI over and done with.   The wires won’t go in today.   This appt is just for the measurements.   So here I am.  Back into the noisy ass machine.  I’m happy cuz my veins didn’t need to get poked this time.   My arms and veins are finally getting a break. 

That didn’t take too long.   MRI and measurements done.   Phew.  Now I don’t have another appt til next week.  That is when I’ll have the wires inserted and also the dye.   So on surgery day, it’ll be a long day. 

 1.  Appt at the imaging center for wires and dye at the butt crack of dawn.           

2.  Straight to the hospital from there for surgery.  4 surgeries.  It’ll take about 2 1/2 hours. 

 If she can, she will pull out my chest port from the left breast surgery.   She won’t know til it happens.   Maybe I’ll be home by the evening.   I honestly can’t wait for surgery.   I think I’ll feel more relief knowing that all the debris from chemo will be scrapped out.   I just hope these pains are gone before then.   In the meantime, I’m just gonna rest and enjoy this time with my son.     Lots of pool time. 

 It’s been soooooo HOT outside ♨  ♨ My hot flashes haven’t eased up either.  I hope they don’t last forever.   They’ve been dreadful.   I don’t wear my wig anymore unless I’m going out somewhere.    The other day I went out in public with my beanie, I was with my brother, first time I had ever done that.   Damn!!   why do people have to stare sooo much? ? ?  That’s why I don’t go like that in public!!   It’s like, WTF are you looking at??  Never seen anyone with no hair or cancer before??  😠   

I’ve noticed, I have lost a lot of my patience, I easily get very irritated with people.   It’s like having PMS daily.   My fuse has gotten very short.   I’m not bitchy, but people in general just get on my nerves lately.  They get very hateful looks from me.  Good thing I’m out of work.   And that’s not like me, I’m a very nice person.   So, for everyone’s sake, I hope this passes too. 

Well, my food has been tasting better and better.   My mouth isn’t so dry anymore and there has been no return of the yucky mouth sores, yay.   Water tastes just like it used to,  sooooo good and refreshing.   Even a soda tastes yummy.  There is nothing like a McDonald’s coke.

My happy dance when I’m having a McDonald’s coke!!

My blurry eyes are starting to clear up more.  I still have tingly feet.  Funny, I thought that would have all been over by now, but I guess that’s gonna hang around longer.  I don’t have them in my fingers so much.   The dry skin is also getting better.   For so long, my skin has felt like sandpaper, gross.   My hands aren’t peeling anymore. 

It crossed my mind the other day, you know its been a year now that I first felt pain?   Yup, one year ago I had pain under my breast and that’s how this whole thing started.     Back then, I never did think that pain meant breast cancer.   I just went about my life.  Here we are a year later, chemo came and went, surgery is coming up and I’m just dealing with all the after effects.   Geez, the things that can happen in just a year.   Don’t ever take it for granted.   I can’t wait to get back to my normal life to be able to enjoy it. I know I say that a lot, but believe me when I do say it.   I’ve been doing things, but I haven’t been able to enjoy them yet.   

 My body still aches 😢 At this point, there is no telling how long that’s gonna last.  I mowed my lawn and I hurt all over.   My system is just too sensitive right now.  I easily get achy.   Everyone tells me to take it easy and not do so much so soon.   but I have a life to live.  I can’t just sit around.  And also, it’s not like I have anyone to do these things for me.  I don’t have  someone to take care of me or things around the house and yard. 

 These after effects are reeking havoc on my body.  If it doesn’t get better over the weekend, I’m calling the doctor on Monday.    I just hurt. 

Aug. 28 –  Monday. 

 This morning I contacted my oncologist.   It’s very painful for me to move.   I feel like I’m 90 years old.   I can’t get out of bed in the morning without every bone in my body hurting.   Something isn’t right.   This shouldn’t be happening.   No one said this is how I would feel 😣  It hurts to move about and it hurts to rest.   I have a hard time getting in and out of the car and same thing with my bed.   Even to change positions while I’m in bed hurts.  The walking that I’m doing doesn’t seem to be helping.    It must be a reaction to coming off of chemo, it has to be. 

 Every day it gets worse and tylenol is not helping at all.   It’s joint and muscle pain and it’s all over.   I can’t make a fist without pain or grab my steering wheel when I drive.  It feels like an arthritis type of pain, but its everywhere.   Resting is so uncomfortable and painful.   I know I probably sound like a broken record, but my body hurts.  😔😢 

 To my oncologist,  “what is wrong and what can I do or take to get some relief?”  He doesn’t think that my symptoms are related to the cancer or the chemo.  All of the chemo should be out of my system by now.    What I’m experiencing is not a normal reaction.  I should be feeling better by now, not worse.   He gives me yet another prescription, a pain killer, percocet 💊.   Yes, my pain is that bad.   I also need to see my primary to discuss the pain issues I’m having.   If it doesn’t get better by next Monday, I need to go in and see him. 

One of my Aunties thinks I have ‘acute summer arthritis’.   I have never heard of this.  I guess the heat and humidity cause joint and muscle flare ups.   Sounds like what I have.  Anyway,  I hope this gives me relief even though I’m not happy, it’s such a heavy medication.   I guess, if it’s gonna help me.   

Today is my older brothers’ birthday and I wanted to make him a bunch of goodies.  He likes sweets.   I couldn’t,  I’m just in so much pain, I’m miserable  😔   Happy Birthday brother,   I’ll get to it when I feel better. 

  I leave to get my prescription.   I take one as soon as I get home.   I hope these work.   About a 1/2 hour later,  wow,  I can actually move like a normal person.    I can bend my fingers without having so much pain and my knees feel better.   Looks like it worked.   

Nighttime – I feel super relaxed.  I really needed this.  I’ve been in physical pain for 3 weeks.   Maybe it’ll knock me out and I’ll sleep like a baby.   

Middle of the night – I’m wide awake  😳 👀 I can’t sleep for the life of me.   The pain killer took my pain away, but it left me wired.   I’m not bouncing off the walls, but I’m not tired at all.   That means I’ll be exhausted in the morning 😩   I just can’t seem to win at all.   

Aug 30 – 

 The pain meds have been working quite well that I didn’t even realize I had a kidney stone till I passed it. 

 If anyone has ever had one of these, then you know how painful them suckers can be.    Imagine not knowing you even had one, til it popped out?  Yeah, that was me.   Didn’t feel it til it was in my bladder.   The last time I had one of these little assholes,  I ended up in the ER with excruciating pain and a visit that lasted 8 hours.   That’s when it took 6 pain killers for me to even get relief.   This time, I didn’t feel pain at all.   Maybe my pain tolerance is coming back since I finished chemo OR maybe its just the percocet.  I am taking those 2 times a day.   I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t agonize over this one.   But it is the 2nd time this year I have gotten one.  I never get them more than once.   I get 1 like every 2 years.   Good thing it’s out though.    Because I can’t deal with physical pain, a kidney stone AND surgery on top of that.   A person can only take so much.   sheesh.   

 Clara Sue sent me this cuz I’ve been losing my patience with everything and everyone.   Haha.  I thought it was funny.   Yup, that pretty much sums it up.   Short fuse these days.

Sept 1, Surgery day!!! 

  Clara Sue is on her way.   She is going with me to my appts.   She will be there for my surgery.   Today I won’t be able to walk with Dominic to the bus stop cuz I have to be at the imaging center soon.   

Time to start my long day.  Phase 2 of my journey, here we go. 

 I’m not nervous or anxious at all.   Doesn’t even seem like I’ll be in surgery here in the next few hours.   It just feels like a regular day.   I still woke up with aches, but I didn’t take any meds cuz I will be given some before and during surgery.  I was hoping I wouldn’t feel this way but no such luck.   I guess I’m gonna have to deal with both, body aches on top of surgery. 

 Ok, we’re here at the imaging center for my wires.   Let’s see how it goes.   I need to be at the hospital by 10:45, It’s 7:30, there’s plenty of time.  Besides, how long can getting wires take?

   I change and I’m taken back to a room.   Clara Sue had to stay in the waiting room.   Yuck, it looks like I’m getting another mammogram.   They need to use the mammy machine to do my wires.   They better not squeeze too hard.   They get the image/measurements from my MRI up on the screen.   Now it’s time for some numbing medicine.  Hopefully this won’t hurt.  I’m trying not to get inside my head and it seems like I’m doing a pretty good job.   I’m still not nervous at all, even after looking at the wires they will be inserting.   The gauge doesn’t seem too thick but they are long, at least 12 inches.   Okay,  time to get my boobs in the machine.  One at a time.   They start with my right one.   On this image, you can see the titanium clip.   It’s a bit blurry and tiny but it’s there. 

Titanium clip

 

If anyone ever gets a biopsy on her boobs, you can bet you’ll have one of these inserted.   It’s to mark the area that was biopsied.   If everything turns out fine, the clip will stay in there forever.    If there is malignancy, the clip will come out when surgery is done.   So, it is safe for me to say that this little clip will come out in just a few hours.   I’m positioned for the machine.   This time I will sit in a chair and just kind of rest my breasts’ (one at a time) in the machine, while the tech inserts the wires.   I am given shots of lidocaine 💉 in my right breast.   She waits awhile for it to take effect.   They have plenty of lidocaine for me, just in case I will need more.   It could be painful, so they are prepared in case it is.   They sterilize the area with iodine.  After that part is done, I look like I’ve been brutally beaten.   Now for the wires.   Yikes.   I hope this part goes smoothly. 

Geez, that took FOREVER!  Trying to get my breast in the right position to get the wire exactly where it needed to be, took an eternity.   Talk about not being able to move at all.   Just for that one side, it took over an hour.    I didn’t feel anything.   No pain or discomfort at all.    Now I have a wire sticking out.   Great.   Its looks painful, but it really isn’t.    The images below may be a bit graphic for some.   

If you look closely, you can see the thin wire sticking out.   The doc will coil it up and put some tape over it, so it is not accidentally yanked out.   Now time to get the other side prepared and sterilized.   This side seemed to take longer.  There weren’t any issues, but they just had a hard time getting the right area.  It is almost 10.  This is taking longer than I thought.   I need to check in at the hospital at 10:45 and I’m not even done here.   Time for the left side.    Again no pain at all, but that took a very long time.    

Again, you can see the thin wire.   You can also see the scar from my chest port.   Today that will come out.  Yay!!!   If my surgeon can get it out from my breast incision, she will.  If not, she will have to reopen the port area and remove it from there.    My poor girls,  they’ve been so violated and tortured this whole year.   They can’t wait to get a break.   But it’s not over yet.    I’m headed to another room to get the dye for my lymph nodes.   This part shouldn’t take long at all.   That’s what they said.   We walk down the hall and into the radioactive room.   

Yowzer, they weren’t kidding when they said radioactive.   Nuclear medicine.   

This area is under lock and key.   In we go.   The radioactive dye is in an airtight chamber. 

*when tech takes it out, with another key*   holy shit!!!   That looks like a pipe bomb.   What exactly are they giving me?!?! 

 She opens it up and takes out a small syringe.    phew. . . that was a relief.   It’s just a normal size syringe.   I’m given more lidocaine for this injection.   This too, shouldn’t hurt at all.   The injection site for this will be close to my armpit.  This dye will light up my lymph nodes that are to be removed.    Injection is given.   Nope,   no pain.    That was easy.   I’m all done.  I’m given the images so I can take with me to surgery.   I can head on over to change and be off to the hospital.   

Well, at the moment I am WIRED AND RADIOACTIVE!!!   Everyone stay clear of me.   Its a good thing I don’t have any hair or this may have happened.   

Clara Sue and I are headed to the hospital  🏨  This phase took so long that we have 10 minutes to get there.   

Boom. . . we showed up right on the dot.   We go inside, i get checked in and now we wait.   Dang, I’m starving and can’t have anything to eat.    I’m called in to the back.    A nurse is waiting for me.    She asked if Clara Sue was my mother, and because of how we are, we cracked jokes. 

 Clara Sue –  “no, I’m just stalking her.” 

 Me – “yeah,  I have no idea who she is, she’s been following me around all morning.”  😂 😂,

  The nurse wasn’t up for shits and giggles.   She was not impressed at all.   Geez, lady,  lighten up.   Who pee’d in your Wheaties this morning?  Damn.   I’m going through surgery here in a few, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wise cracks to lighten up the mood.   We thought it was funny.   Good thing she was only escorting us to the prep area.   She had a horrible attitude 😡

 I get to my bed/room.    I change and wait.   Now an onslaught of questions.   How many times do we have to go over the same things? ?   My IV is prepped.   Getting poked again.   Surgeon comes in.   She is very pleased with how the wires came out.   The surgery team comes in to introduce themselves.   They’re all very nice.   Surgery will be about 2 – 2 1/2 hours.  All my vitals are checked.   They’ll be back to roll me out.   Surgery will be at 12:45.   

Almost as if on cue, here they all are to roll me back.   The anesthesiologist gave me the first injection 💉 through my IV.   She said the next one that she gives me, will knock me out.   They get ready to wheel me out.   I turn to Clara Sue and told her, “I’ll see you when I get back.”   As I did that, for a moment, I saw my Mama sitting there ❤, not Clara Sue.    I started to tear up and get emotional.   I thought I was gonna start crying.   Just then, I was given the next sedative 💉.   My eyes rolled with a heaviness and before we got to the end of the hall,  I was out.   

And I’m off to never neverland . . . . . . . . . . .

The leap of Faith

Aug. 4  

Day after my last chemo.  Believe it or not I slept very well last night.   Today is my official last day of work for a while.   I only need to put in a few hours than I can take my time off and concentrate on me.   I need rest and lots of it.  I feel like I need to go into hibernation.   I’ve been running on fumes these past months and I really need a break. 

My day at work flew by and it was over before I knew it.   I felt some relief when I clocked out and left.   No one at work really knows that I’ll be out.   I’ve told a few that I’m taking vacation but they think it’s only for a week.   After work I left and went to the district office to submit the rest of my paperwork.   I have no idea how all of this is even going to turn out.    I don’t know if my time off will be approved.   I don’t know how things are going to be financially.   I don’t know how my results are going to turn out when I do my MRI or how surgery is going to be.  I don’t know anything at this point.   So, I’m taking the leap of faith.   I’m putting it all in Gods hands once again.   I’m one of those persons that has always said,  “things will turn out as they should.”   I suppose they will, even this time.   They always have in the past.   I stress out about it for awhile but in time it always turns out how it should have.  I’m putting all my eggs in one basket,  So I hope and pray it turns out for the best. 

What a relief to be out of work!!  Mentally and physically. . . phew  

Looking back at how I did things,  I’m so glad I did it the way I did.  Keeping my circle (support system) small.  Waiting to tell everyone was the best thing for me.   Some people may not agree with that and that’s okay but it was MY choice.   It was my choice to deal with it privately.   Everyone has a choice and this was mine.   I didn’t have that added stress of different opinions.  I was able to deal with it peacefully.   Not gonna say it wasn’t stressful trying to keep my life as normal as possible and I’m not gonna say the rest of my people wouldn’t have been supportive, because they have.  But. . . . I’ve had a couple of people say that I shouldn’t have gone through chemotherapy.  I’ve also had some tell me not to go through radiation, it’s the worst thing for me.   Try taking this or drink that.   Don’t eat this anymore.  Take better care of yourself.  WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!  😠   Let me be.   Let me do what I  think is best for me.  What my medical team says is best for me.   If it’s going to save my life than I’m all for it.   Still, I don’t like what I’ve had to go through or what I still need to go through,  but like I said before,   my life and my son are worth all the hell I’ve had to endure.  What worked for someone else may not work for me.   This is what I didn’t want to deal with.  This was the reason I wanted privacy.   I did’t want that added stress.   I wanted peace and I still want that.   Please respect that.   Unless I share it with you,  I don’t wanna talk about it.   Yes, ask me how I’m doing,  I’ll tell you and if I want to share more, I will.   Besides, I AM sharing it all with you.  right here, right now.  I am telling you how I’m doing and how I feel.  This is my sharing spot, my therapy, my release.   In person or anytime,  I want things to be as normal as possible.  Don’t treat me like I’m fragile, I won’t break.   I’m still silly ole me 😜 with a great big heart ❤ and one that is OH SOOOOO HAPPY  that I’m DONE with chemotherapy!!!    ahhhhhhhh     The relief mentally feels amazing!!!  😃 

I CAN’T WAIT to physically start feeling better. 

 Hopefully a week from now when my body realizes it is no longer getting pumped with poison, things will go back to normal.  I’ll start feeling better, sleeping better, being able to taste my food.   Soon I hope my mouth sores go away.  It’s been almost 8 weeks straight that I’ve had those 😩.  I haven’t lost anymore weight.  It is holding steady.   But all together, I lost 17 pounds.   I can’t wait to have my energy and my strength back and to be able to do things without getting breathless and worn out.   I can’t wait to take vitamins!!!  I have’t been allowed to have those during chemo. 

 There are sooo many things that I can’t wait for!!! 

 Monday, Aug 7 – MRI 

 Today I go in for my ultrasound and MRI.   Gonna check to see if the chemo zapped it completely.  I sure hope it did and they don’t see anymore cancer.   My oncologist no longer feels a lump but there could be minute cancer cells left over. 

 (praying 🙏) 

MaryBeth is here with me today.   The support she has given me is amazing.  It’s like having a sister.  It’s wonderful!    I change and wait to be seen and watch as MaryBeth works on a blanket.  She’s GREAT at making blankets and quilts, that’s her hobby.   We talk like if we’re not even waiting at a Dr’s office.   I don’t feel nervous or anxious but we’ll see how I feel when I get called in. 

Time for the ultrasound 

I get the same tech that I got back in February at the beginning of all of this.   I really like her.   She begins her procedure.   The ultrasound wand doesn’t hurt like before when she puts pressure.   There is no pain at all.  That’s a good indication.  Before it used to hurt SOOO bad.   She carefully goes over the area.  I hadn’t looked at the monitor at all until she mentioned she couldn’t see anything.   The last time, the image scared me, so I was afraid to look.   So, when I finally did take a look at the monitor the only thing you could see, barely, was the tiny titanium clip they had inserted months ago for my biopsy.   The mass from before wasn’t there.   She called in the doctor to take a look at it and confirm,  it was all clear.   No signs at all of cancer.     YESSSSS!!!!!!   

Even though the ultrasound produced no signs of cancer, I still need to be seen for an MRI.  They want to be sure.  They want a more closer, detailed imagery before they give me the green light.  So, here I go to get prepped for the MRI.   Back into the noisy machine I go.   This time they have me in a really awkward position and it’s really cold in here.   Oh well, whatever it takes.  It’ll be about 15 minutes. . . . . . . . . .

All done.  They send me back out to a room to wait for the doctor with results.  I asked them to call in MaryBeth so she can be with me when I get my results.   After a few moments, the doctor comes in and also the ultrasound tech.   He gives me my results.   ( deep breath )   The MRI didn’t detect anything.   It was all clear.   There were no visible signs of cancer cells.   He began to tell me that I had responded very well to the chemotherapy treatment and that it did what it was supposed to do.  It was gone.   The only thing that they could see was the clip.  I started to tear up.   With a knot in my throat I asked him,  “So, there is nothing there?  It’s all gone?”  Him – “Yes, it’s all gone”.    Me, choked up – “Really?  you don’t know how long I’ve been needing good news.”   Him –  “yes, I know.   Congratulations.”   (he was the one who did my MRI in the beginning when I first got my news, so he knows)  Me – “Thank you, I needed this.”     Him ( handing me kleenex ) –  “good luck with the rest of your journey.” 

They left the room to give me a moment.   MaryBeth hugged me and I started crying.   I needed this.   I got good news,  I really got good news.   After a few minutes, I changed and we left.  As we were walking out, one of the receptionists that I have come to know, asked how it went.    I gave her a thumbs up and told her, “good news”   She came over to give me a hug and wish me the best of luck.   MaryBeth and I started to leave but we ended up sitting in the lobby for a good while absorbing my good news.   She was in tears.   She was very happy for me, but I think at the same time she was heartbroken.   This was bittersweet for her.    She lost one of her sisters to breast cancer.  The very same kind that I had.   She went through all of her treatments but didn’t get the ‘good news’ in the end.   So, this hit home for her.  It opened and old wound that didn’t have a good ending.   So, she was very happy, yet very sad.  We talked for a good while longer.   A part of me was in disbelief.   I have been so scared for months, it was hard for me to be happy.  Yes, don’t get me wrong, I was happy but I had a very hard time expressing it and feeling it.   Is that weird?   Is it even normal?   Even though I had tears in my eyes it felt like my emotions, my feelings, were shut off.   I’m not sure what I feel.  We hugged, walked out to the parking lot and got in our separate vehicles.  We didn’t come together. 

  So, here I am, once again, sitting in my car.   This time with the news that my cancer is gone.   It is really gone.  I am trying really hard to absorb this good news.   6 months ago,  I was sitting here, in my car trying to come to terms with the diagnoses they had just given me.   How crazy and unpredictable life can be.  Cherish it always.  The good, the bad and even the horrible. 

 I got home and one by one started telling my loved ones.  I didn’t make this public, I only told my circle.   Oddly, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t get excited about it.   I should be doing cartwheels and jumping for joy.   Instead, I feel numb.  There is no excitement in me.  I think I’m afraid to be happy.  I’m afraid to feel happy for fear of jinxing it.   For fear of being let down.   That’s the best I can explain it.  Maybe it hasn’t hit me yet.  Maybe when Dominic gets home from school and I tell him my good news, I’ll feel this excitement.   I know he’ll be happy.  But why does it all seem like a blur?  Why does it seem like I just woke up from a horrible nightmare and the past months never happened?   How come I feel this way?   Looking back, none of it seems true.   I don’t know what’s going on.   My heart and my mind are at an impass.   They are not connecting. 

 Later that evening, I text MaryBeth,  “did today really happen?  Did I really get that good news I’ve been waiting for?”   Her – “Yes, it’s true, it happened.”   How come I don’t feel it?  How come I’m not as happy as everyone else, that I’ve told, is?   I hope the Good Lord doesn’t think I’m being ungrateful.   Because I’m not, I am grateful.  I’m glad to be at this point.   My son was relieved and happy.  It’s been hard for him too.    I just feel disconnected.    It hasn’t sunk in.   

 I’m having some hard days.  Saturday, 2 days after my last chemo, I felt great.   Yesterday and today, my body hurts.  It feels heavy.   There’s a heaviness.   I almost feel depressed, even with the good news I just received.   Yesterday I was sooo tired, I layed around all day.   I’m having such a hard time wrapping my mind around all the events that have happened.   I’m trying to be happy,  I am thankful but it’s hard to come off of months of chemo, get good news and try to get back to a normal life.   I’ve had highs and lows all week.   I wonder if other women feel this way??  Tammy says this is exactly how she felt.   It’s just a combination of everything.   No one realizes just how much the effects of chemo have on our bodies.  It is literally poison that helps to kill the cancer.   I think my mind and my body are just so tired,  exhausted from everything.    I should be ecstatic.  I’ve finished chemo and I am still alive.   Instead I feel down and my body hurts.  My emotions are all over the place.   I cried in the doctors office and came home as if nothing even happened.    I’ve been waiting for that deep exhale, that release.   It hasn’t happened.  I feel that when it does, I’m just gonna have a breakdown.  I really need that good cry out.  I’m just having a hard time.   When will everything go back to normal?  

My surgery consult is scheduled for next week. 

 Even though my ultrasound and MRI showed nothing, I still need to go in for surgery to remove (scrape out) any remaining debris and the ’tissue bed’ where the lump was.   It needs to be tested for any lingering cancer cells that weren’t caught by the chemo, if any.   

Aug 11 –  Today has been 1 week and 1 day post chemotherapy.  I’m hoping that once my body realizes it won’t be getting hacked anymore, things will get better.   My veins are gonna feel relief that they don’t have to get poked anymore.  This will be the first week since March that they don’t get poked on a weekly basis.   My arms can heal.  I look like a druggie 😜💉  My hair will start to grow from this peach fuzz.  I’ve lost my eyebrows 😢 and my eyelashes are thinning badly.  This for me is very upsetting.   I don’t like it  *sigh*  I still have mouth sores and my feet are still tingly.   The hot flashes are still brutal for me.  I can’t wait for the weather to cool down.  I love fall.   Soon, I hope, all of that will be a thing of the past. 

 I got this pain in my left knee, right at the bend.   I’m not sure what brought it on.  Maybe I tweaked my knee or something.   It hurts a bit.   I’m sure it’ll go away.   

On a brighter note,  my time off from work got approved.  Yes!!  That is a relief.   It got approved til Nov. 1.   That will give me enough time to get through surgery and radiation.   Also, my bank is gonna bend a little with my finances.   Phew!  Oh and I can finally start taking vitamins!!!   woo hoo.  You know how excited that makes me?  I can start building up my energy.   My body has been so deprived. 

I registered my son this week for school.   I officially have an 8th grader!  He starts next Monday.    I’m so hurt our summer was robbed and we didn’t get to do anything.  I always felt like shit and worn out.   I’m not ready for him to go back to school and neither is he.   I get time off and he goes back.   Not fair.   

Aug 14 – My son goes back to school  ☹  and I will be all by myself.   I guess I’ll just rest up.   This pain in my knee has not gone away.   I wonder what I did to it?  I can’t bend it or try to get down on it.  It hurts.  I love to sit like a little girl, in a pretzel or bring my knees up to my chest.   I can’t do that anymore and I can’t tuck that leg under me.   hmmmm. . . what the heck?!?! 

Tuesday – This pain in my knee is not getting better.   I’m starting to limp on it when I walk and it hurts me most in the morning when I get out of bed.  Did I twist it?  Or am I getting arthritis in it?  I think I’m starting to feel it in my other knee as well.  What is going on? 

I’m starting to feel achy throughout my body.  I think my body is just sooo tired from being attacked.   I’m starting to feel all the aches now.   My ankles hurt, the bottoms of my feet hurt, especially in the morning.  That’s when it’s the worst.  By the afternoon, after my body has warmed up, it mostly goes away.   I walk my son to the bus stop in the morning and again in the afternoon I wait for him, so I am getting exercise.   It’s that morning walk that’s hard for me. 

My older brother Jake came over to help me clean up some of the yard.   I haven’t worked out in the yard this year but a bit here n there.   It’s thrashed.  Everything is so overgrown and bushy.   It looks horrible and I don’t like it.   Now that chemo is over and I start getting energy, I want to clean the yard, get rid of shit and also attack my house.   We spent 2 days cleaning some of it but I have such a big yard, it’s gonna take a few more days.  We pruned, raked, cut down branches, threw away trash and old stuff, you name it.   I tried my best to help as much as I could but my energy level still isn’t there.   I got tired very easily and it is really hot out.   We didn’t finish but we put in a good dent.   I’ll get to the rest of it when I can. 

 The following day, I almost couldn’t move.   My hands hurt.   It must be from the pruning and the shovel.   It doesn’t help that I have pain in my knees and it seems to be spreading.   I knew this would make me more sore but I wanted to get it done.   It’s my fault.  My body isn’t ready for this kind of work but I wanna get it done.  I have a bad habit of pushing myself way too hard.    I really paid for it.   

Aug 18th – Surgery consult

Clara Sue and I come for my surgery consult.   It has been nice not having to come up here for a couple of weeks.  The doctor does a breast exam.  Then, she goes over my ultrasound and MRI images.   She is very pleased with what she sees.   So, she went on to explain the surgery I will need.   Since I was negative on the genetic test that I had taken in February, I get to keep my boobs.  I do not need to have them removed.  However,  I will need surgery on the right breast to remove any remaining debris.   I will also need surgery on my left breast as well.   WHAT???   WHY???   When they did the 2nd biopsy in the beginning, I was told I didn’t have anything to worry about.   I didn’t need to worry because that shaded area they had tested was benign.  I have a very tiny benign lump on my left breast.  I did not know this.   She wants to have it removed because over time it could change from a benign lump to a malignant one.   Wow.   She is also going to remove a couple of lymph nodes from under my right armpit.  She needs to remove the Sentinel and axillary nodes (3).   They don’t have cancer but she wants to remove them.  Okay, so that is 3 surgeries all at once.   Not what I was expecting at all.   We start setting it up.  She is NOT pleased that it took so long for me to be seen by her.   That is how I was scheduled.  She said they screwed up and I should have been in sooner and my surgery already scheduled.   There is a timeline that they like to follow and I was already beyond that.   I should be having surgery now and because of this delay and her upcoming vacation, she can’t get me in until Sept 22.    *gulp*   what?  That’s a month away.  I don’t want to wait that long.   Honestly, I’m afraid to wait that long.  I don’t like this.   I asked her if it was dangerous for me to wait that long.   She didn’t like it either.   She asked if I would like to be seen by another surgeon who could possibly get me in sooner.   I didn’t know this other surgeon.   I really like the one I have now.  She’s been with me from the beginning but she did say that if she was having surgery, she would want her to do it.    That made me feel better and I agreed.   The doctor would be on vacation for 2 weeks and she didn’t have an opening in the ER till Sept 22.   Also, that is the anniversary of the day I lost my Mom.   I DID NOT want to be in surgery on that day.  So, she set me up to see the other surgeon.   I see her on Monday.   Because of this delay,  I have to wait 4-6 weeks before I can do radiation and I’ll probably have 4 weeks of that.   So, we’re looking at almost Thanksgiving or Dec before I’m all done.   *sigh*   They weren’t lying when they initially told me I would have a long year. 

Aug 20 – I really need to get out of dodge.  So, I was happy when my brother and I decided to go to the ranch.   We have a ranch in Ponderosa.  It’s in Northern New Mexico.   My Dad is from there.  Someday, we’d like to build a cabin up there and have it as a getaway whenever needed.   There is nothing like the mountains.   I have so been needing fresh, mountain air and to get away from the city.   I think it would do my son and I some good.   To break away from the daily routine and a change of scenery. 

 It’s beautiful here.  *inhaling*  ahhh,  smell that.  No pollution at all.  It smells clean, fresh and inviting.  It’s a bit chilly but warm at the same time, if that makes any sense.   We took us a nice good walk around the mountain and contemplated where and how we would like to do things when we start.   Some of the fence around the property was a bit damaged where the elk try to run through.  We wanna put up a pipe fence.  I haven’t been up here in a long time and I have really missed it.   It’s super peaceful and relaxing. 

 Dominic really enjoyed it and says, “Gosh it is so beautiful here!   How come we don’t come here more often? I love it here.”  I felt guilty.   Other than my current situation, I didn’t have a good answer for him.   We had packed some food to have a picnic out in the wilderness.  It was wonderful!!  I can’t wait to have a place up here to come to.  Surprisingly,  I was able to do a good walk up and around the mountain.   There is a portion (not pictured) that has a pretty good incline.    That was hard for me but I did it.   My aches and pains don’t make it any easier but I feel I have a bit more energy, not much.   I didn’t feel like I needed to pass out but I did need to go at it slow.   We spent a few more hours there then packed it up and came home.   I can’t wait to go back but I wanna be done with everything before I do.    Back to the city.    I really needed to get away, even if it was just for a day. 

Monday 21st – My aches and pains are getting worse.   Maybe I over did it with the yard and all the walking I did yesterday.   Can’t worry about that now I have an appointment with the other surgeon.   I didn’t ask anyone to come with me today, so this will be the 1st appt I have been to by myself since Feb.  I’ll be alright.   I am a bit nervous.   

The new surgeon comes in.   She is very nice.   I like her a lot.   She goes over all of my information and my images and what my other surgeon had in her notes.  She really explained the surgery to me in great detail and I got a better understanding of what to expect.   She looked at her O.R. schedule and has an opening on Sept. 1, if I’m interested.  I don’t know anything about her, but I really like her.  I got a good vibe from her.   Surgery would be next Friday,  eek.   I take another leap of faith and agree to switch over with her.   

I get scheduled for Friday, Sept 1.   for a partial mastectomy (lumpectomy)  of my right breast, surgery on my left, my lymph nodes and to have my chest port taken out.   Yay!!!   I finally get to have that chest port out.   I’m gonna look like a mummy after I’m done with that surgery.  That’s 4 they’ll need to do.  sheesh.   Since I’m already here she immediately sends me for an EKG.   After all the chemo I had she needs to be sure my heart is healthy enough for surgery.   So, I get to do that.   Today is the solar eclipse and I’m gonna miss it cuz I’ve been here and I have another impromptu appointment.   Oh well, this is more important, but I would love to see something that hasn’t happened in YEARS!! 

I get my EKG and instructions and check in for surgery.   My heart is still beating like a champ.  There was no damage from the chemotherapy.  YAY!!!    It’s great to know my heart is still healthy.    Getting damage to the heart from chemo is a big risk.    There are a lot of things I need to get done medically before next Friday.   

It’s a relief to know surgery is coming soon.   I’ll feel a lot better mentally knowing the rest of that crap, if any, will be scraped out.   My chest port will come out and all I’ll need after that is radiation.   This whole journey is getting closer to completion.   The one thing I’m not gonna like is not being able to get in the pool.  After surgery, I’m not allowed to swim or soak in water for 2 weeks.   Awe man!   I have really enjoyed the pool.   It washes away my worries and helps me feel better physically.   When I’m in the water, my aches and pains go away.   Of course it wears off after I get out, but it does help to loosen my muscles and joints.   

Well for now the ball is rolling again. 

Here we go with phase 2 of my journey.   I’m still waiting patiently to feel better.  This Thursday, it’ll be 3 weeks since my last chemo.  Soon I’ll start posting pics of the growth of my hair.   My fuzzies are starting to strengthen up and my mouth sores have FINALLY gone away!!   Good Lord!  I had them suckers for 8 weeks straight.   

All of my eyebrows are gone and I’m horrible at drawing them in.   I never draw in my eyebrows, never had to.   My eye lashes are down to a slim number.  Good news,  I haven’t lost any more weight. I am still holding steady.   I’m still waiting for the day to feel like ‘me’ again.   I thought I would feel good by now but it’s taking longer than I thought.  The chemo should already be out of my body.   My feet are still very tingly.  Guess it’ll take some time for the neuropathy to get better too. 

 It’s been nice not having to stress out about work and I’m home when Dominic leaves and gets home from school.  He loves that.   My food is tasting so much better, my taste buds are coming back and it doesn’t hurt to eat anymore.  I’ve been getting better sleep, but nothing to get too excited over.   I could still use more.   Don’t know what’s up with these aches and pains, but I keep telling myself, maybe tomorrow it’ll be better.   I sure hope so.  I just wanna feel good.    I know I’ll get there. . . . .  Someday.

Once again, appointments are getting shoved down my throat!!  😔